Life...again.

Well, Optifast will be getting put on hold until the next round - we need a car and soon and until Casey is working again, that became a priority. I was a bit frustrated that the clinic never called with the financial department's information so I could talk to them to see if something could be arranged but it's better not to have an extra payment until we know what he'll have for income again. In the meantime, I can still work on the little things - not feeding the vending machines being the biggest one!! But those chocolate iced honey buns....yum!!

I've tried a lot of things over the years, and have lost nearly 50 pounds three times, so I know I can do it. It's just that for some reason, just before I hit that 50 pound mark, it's like a switch flips and all the work I've done to create new habits flies out the window. Part of the appeal of Optifast was it not only takes the "work" out of it by literally giving you their meal products (which sounds so sci-fi, I know!) and telling you how much to consume a day and about at what times, but they also work on the behavioral and emotional sides, along with the personal trainer once and the nutritionist weekly. It is a very rounded program and the only "reward" system is your health. Another blogger (I've read so many, I wish I would have taken notes!) said she didn't like Weight Watchers at that time because you could earn back more food - if you worked out more, you could eat more - and I agree. I think that food as a reward kind of defeats the purpose of watching what you eat. I do know I have comfort issues with food as well, and so between the two, I have some issues! (Boy, I hope my brother doesn't read that! haha)

So, while I've postponed the Optifast program for now, I do want to review our budget, and do an Overall Health Assessment, which includes:
• Body Composition Analysis
o Results provide an easy and quick overview of your body make up including lean body mass, body fat mass, basal metabolic rate.
• Functional Assessment
o Assess strength, flexibility, range of motion and functional health of your body
• Cardio Assessment
o Assess cardiovascular health and stamina
• Overall Assessment and Fitness Improvement Plan
o Completed by Certified Personal Trainer
I’ve done the Body Composition Analysis already and it was also a chance to meet one of the personal trainers on staff. He was very nice and informative and I felt comfortable with him, which is always a good thing. The price for the assessment is currently $60 and I feel that there will definitely be value there.

The other thing I want to budget for is Nutritional Wellness Counseling. The description from the Regional Weight Loss site is:

Nutrition Wellness Counseling (pricing plans are identical to personal trainer options, listed above)
Take charge of your diet to promote health, wellness and a healthy body weight.
One-on-one nutrition counseling with a registered dietitian
• Supportive and non-judgmental environment
• Advice about weight control and healthy eating
• Set realistic short and long-term wellness goals
• Develop a unique plan to help you achieve your goals
They have very reasonable rates and package options so for both the nutritionists and the personal trainers and so I think that this well be a good start in the right direction. There is room in the budget, I think, for both as long as we focus.

I’m a member of Sparkpeople and while I am definitely a fan of the creator (he self-funded the site to make it a free site for all users) and they have a lot of great information and people and tools – it was also disheartening for me to see people making so much progress and I would be making none. I’ve also realized I was using it to stay on the computer – which isn’t conducive to health improvement! I tried MyFitnessPal.com as well and while it was a little easier to use as far as tracking, the forums are less than pleasant. I did meet a few fantastic people and there were a few family members on there as well, but I just couldn’t get past the unpleasantness if you asked questions on the forums. A lot of people were friendly and tried to help but it felt like a few were there specifically to promote their own agenda and their own views and if you disagreed they were very rude and judgmental. Which defeats the purpose of an online support system, I think.

So, this week I’ll be refocusing on not feeding the vending machine, getting a budget put together again, and baby steps again. The hardest part about that is that we’re staying with my father and I feel a little obligated to be social and that makes it hard to go upstairs and do a Leslie Sansone WATP dvd or a yoga video or meditation or anything like that. He’s like me – it’s hard to really understand something you’re not directly affected by and so for him, it’s all about moving more/eating less but yet evenings are for relaxing and watching TV. It’s how I grew up. What he is unable to grasp, because he’s not living it, is that essentially my inner organs are smushed in a corset with limited room to move so deep breathing doesn’t happen, my heart rate is slow so I can get dizzy easier, and then add to that an additional 100 pounds of body weight he’s not carrying. I think if I could somehow put him in that situation, that sensation, he would definitely grasp it and it would be easier for him to understand. I can do a fair bit of walking yet – last weekend we had a lovely time with my brother, sister-in-law, nephews, and Dad walking to see a couple of waterfalls – and that was a lot of walking for me! I could do it – albeit slowly – but I was definitely wore out. (And I am so grateful that there were no comments about my slowness, only patience – even from my not-so-patient brother!) Baby steps. And perhaps some communication improvement. :-)

The Skoolie is nearly completely gutted inside as I’m typing this. The mattress has been put in plastic and into the garden shed. The bed framing has been removed and sitting on the driveway for now. Dad was amused by the amount of clothes Casey had tucked away. The man has more clothes than most women do! To be fair, a lot of his attire is bicycle-specific and since that is usually his preferred form of transportation, it’s necessary. But I’m also pretty sure he could get by with not wearing the same t-shirt more than once in a 90-day period…

We’re looking at vinyl planks for the floor, in a hardwood pattern. Easy to clean for me! We’re still working out configurations for things, including the bathroom. It’s a 32-foot long bus, but we lose about half of that in the engine compartment. So we have around 24 feet to play with – and of course the king-size bed takes up a fair chunk of that! We’ve met a couple of fellow Skoolies, including Dredman, and they’ve had some neat ideas that we’re hoping to make our own. Our biggest problem is the bathroom – we’ll be using a composting toilet so plumbing and black tank for that won’t be an issue – but bathing is a necessity. There are plumbing holes in the floor already so we’ll just have to see what we can do with what’s existing and kind of design around that. Our intent is to have all the plumbing on the driver’s side of the Skoolie so the sink will be there as well as the Panda washing machine. It will be a challenge, but a fun one!

They did put in new roof vents – we purchased two with fans and two without. Over the bedroom area will be the fan blowing into the Skoolie, then a fanless, then a fan wired to blow out of the Skoolie, then the other fanless vent. That will make for some respectable air circulation. We are planning on getting at least two LED-lit garnish rings and possibly four. And as I was typing this – they are down to the wall framework and lots of cleaning up of fiberglass insulation and general debris. They’re speedy!

As I mentioned in a previous post – there will be some changes. I’ll be monetizing this site so look for some Amazon links and probably Google ads if I can figure out why they aren’t working. We’re looking at other things to do for supplemental income and so down the road we may have some pieces of art for sale as well. I’m going to put up a progress sidebar for my health tracking as well. Stay tuned, folks!

~Heather

This crazy thing called life....

So....we finally left Akron. Thank goodness. It really was not a good fit for us. In fact, it took us 2 days to get out of Ohio!! There's a NaNoWriMo project in there, so you will have to wait to hear that story.

We did make it to the Black Hills of South Dakota in April and have been there since. We don't really have a long-term game plan anymore. If we learned one thing on that trip, it's to not plan too far ahead. We've been busy though. I've been working full time for a finance company and really enjoying it. I have a great team with some great coworkers. He worked for part of the summer and then took some time off to get the exterior of the motorhome done. If it was going to be outside in a South Dakota winter, it needed a lot of work to survive!! He and Dad had already spent a lot of the summer doing some major bodywork - even rebuilding some spots! They removed almost all of the old paint and we all helped give her a new coat - my brother, sister-in-law, and 2 nephews included! Here are some before/after pictures of her:

It's like an entirely different vehicle!! This winter we'll be spending a lot of time gutting the interior completely and redoing it to meet our needs. I'm looking forward to sharing more as we go along! Where we're staying we have slow internet and a data cap so I'm looking at ways to post regularly because not only are we going to be working on our Skoolie, I'm going to be working on me.

My weight has become an issue lately. It's gotten to a point where walking up a flight of stairs leaves me winded. And yesterday, for the first time ever, I didn't fit in the seat at the theater. (Thankfully, the arm rest went up and that was really all I needed but still - very hard on the self psyche!!) I'd been looking at having the LapBand procedure done when we got to the Pacific Northwest because I know that I need more help than I can give myself now. With my 2 past surgeries, I'm fairly certain a lot of hormonal issues were going on - and really, when one has an ovarian cyst the size of a gallon of milk, it would be kind of silly to think otherwise. But after doing a lot of thinking, some of which was misinformed, I decided I really wasn't looking forward to another surgery, even an outpatient one. I had been reading that my health insurance provided required a year of medically supervised weight loss attempt before they would approve the surgery and so why not try that route? I went to the local hospital's site and started reading about a non-surgical weight loss program; Optifast. The more I read, the more intrigued I became. It's not just a VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet). It's also a form of counseling - you have group and one-on-one sessions. It's medically supervised. I'll also be meeting with a physical trainer and a nutritionist. So, even though I did find out my health insurance does cover LapBand after only 3 months of medically supervised weight loss, I'm going to put that thought on the back burner. I don't want something that simply physically restricts me from eating a lot. I need something that basically re-teaches me how to eat for fuel. There's some mental blocks going on and this program will help with those.

I considered creating a new blog for this. One blogger I had read said she was treating her weight loss like a cancer - 5 years before she considers herself in full remission, so to speak. And that's my plan - 5 years of treating myself holistically. I decided to keep this blog going instead and there will be many changes coming up. My goal is to set up a plan for regular updates. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And from everything I read, there will be ugly. But I have a wonderful partner who is prepared to help me through those moments. I have a great team of coworkers who are already supportive of this plan. I got the call on Friday and I see the doctor on October 19th and start. I'm going to start at the beginning of the biggest feasting holidays of the year...what a wild ride this well be!!! I can't wait to share it with you!

~~Heather

Happy February!! And some big news!

You know....I'm thinking regular blogging just might not be my thing.....

That might be changing, however. You see, we're moving. And by moving, I mean moving. We're doing something people only dream about, talk about, hope for.

We've bought a Skoolie - a school bus that's been converted into an RV.

Meet Wanda the Wandering Bus. Yup, she's in need of some work (the other side is light blue!) cosmetically, but the engine? Is sound. 1500 miles on a rebuilt Ford 390 big block. When we looked at her, she fired right up and purred like a kitten - I almost couldn't hear it inside!

The inside is definitely 1980s hunting cabin - but surprisingly clean. Yes, there are stains here and there. The curtains are gross. But it is odor-free - even with the water damage we could see in a couple of areas. So we've got a lot of work ahead of us, but we're able to pay cash and then it's a matter of finding a place to park. Which we have - we'll be in the Pacific North West by May. We're leaving Ohio April 1 and taking a nice drive to get there - stopping in the Black Hills to visit friends and family for a week or so.

Which brings me to this post. We live in a 2-bedroom/2-story apartment right now. It's the top 2 floors of a 1920's house. (And the "charm" is long gone - it's been too poorly maintained for too long to be charming anymore.) So, some serious culling is in the works.

By the time it's said and done, close to 200 books are being sold. Probably 75% of our DVD collection is being sold. Currently, 90% of my wardrobe fits into a suitcase and a carry-on set. I'll have a small bag for socks, etc. and a small bag for things like my yoga pants, exercise tops, etc. Right now, I have 2 30-gallon trash bags and 2 13-gallon trash bags of clothes to go. (I'm not done yet, either. There's a box in the closet and 2 vacuum seal bags yet to sort.) I would guess about 90% of my cross stitch supplies are going. I'll keep some of the books, but otherwise, the last few things I've stitched were from kits.

And today - well, today I've hit the knick knacks. I've received some lovely gifts over the years from friends and family. And I do mean lovely. A teapot. A decorative chest with ornaments inside. A vase. A ceramic bowl with a horse pattern. The vase and bowl have been on display while we've lived here in Ohio (since May 2011), but I'd completely forgotten the other two. I have a butterfly diorama that is lovely - and still in a box. And this area has always been a hard area for me. People took the time to get me a gift. It's not only a physical gift, but it was a gift of their time, as well. And I feel like that needs to be acknowledged and so I keep things - even if they're not my style, don't fit my decor, or even things I didn't really like but I loved the thought behind them.

And now, I've come to realize, it's time to just let things go. And so for the people who've given me things - I hope they realize that I will always cherish the thought behind the gift, and the intent, and the good will. That in letting the items go on to someone else, I'm doing so with the intent of sharing that love, that intent, that gift.

And also because we're going to be 2 humans and a cat in just under 200 square feet of living space! Now THAT'S going to be an adventure!!

What happened?

Wow - it's been a long time.

In 2013 I was going to walk 2,013 miles and make 12 hats in 12 months. Neither got accomplished.

What did happen was in 2013 he started to build Gertie, my spinning wheel and she was completed in March of 2014. Her full name is Gertrude, which is my grandmother's middle name. She was always working, with a huge garden, flower beds, running the farm still, family history, writing her own story. Both my grandmothers were workhorses and Gertrude fit the bill, Gertie for short. MyHoney looked at plans that are fairly popular for a "$7.00 spinning wheel." He didn't like them. And he has some valid points, the main one of which is if he's going to build me a tool, it's going to last. And this is the result:



I don't know the spin ratio, but I want to say it's 32:1? That is a recycled bicycle rim, with a bicycle wheel hub, and the bearings for the spindle are also bicycle bearings. (He's been in the bicycle industry since 1979 and as of this posting works for the largest bicycle shop in Ohio. So yes, it had to be done!) The spindle? Well, that was going to be tricky. The bearings are metric and dowels are hard to find. But I remembered having a lot of Mom's knitting needles and a few didn't have a partner. Sure enough, one was the perfect size so I have memories of Mom along with my grandparents every time I spin.

Since our first fiber fest in 2012 I've accumulated a small herd of drop spindles. The most recent of which are 3D printed!



The 2 in the top picture are mini Turkish spindles; the purple and white one is mine, the tan and green one is MyHoney's. The bottom picture is a bottom-whorl with a triquetra whorl. The really cool part I didn't know until a couple weeks later is that the white pieces? GLOW IN THE DARK. I'll work on a picture... These came from TurtleMade and they were a treat to talk to at the Great Lakes Fiber Festival this year!

Health-wise there was a rough few months in 2013. We were celebrating MyHoney's birthday and I wasn't feeling very well. Chalked it up to Red Lobster for lunch and the yummy biscuits. Except by supper time I wasn't feeling better. And by midnight I was in bed with waves of pain - if I hadn't already had a hysterectomy I would've wondered if they weren't labor pains. At that point, he took me to the ER figuring it was a gall bladder attack. It wasn't. I had a huge ovarian cyst, 6 inches by 6.9 inches. By the time I went in for surgery, it was over 7.8 inches by 7.8 inches - they literally couldn't open up my abdomen to get an accurate measurement. Thankfully, it was just a cyst gone wild - with some minor complications it was removed as was my gall bladder. MyHoney was a dear and spent every night in that crappy hospital recliner for me! I've gained a fair bit of weight since then which is something I need to re-address. Frustrating, but I'm still alive and healthy so we'll take it! As a result, I am getting some aches and pains so definitely will need addressing.

I did go back to school for a Holistic Health Professional diploma program. I'm not able to complete the program before our next journey but I am a Holistic Health Practitioner now. Under that umbrella, I am a Reiki Master Practitioner, Energetic Systems Integration Practitioner, Associate Polarity Practitioner, Relaxation Massage Technician (pending licensing with the state), Holistic Health Advisor, Earth Energy Master, and Medical Intuitive. I've got a business website but I'll try to get descriptions up next week. There are some modalities I'll be adding as time goes by, such as Herbals, Aromatherapy (and not the MLM that's so prevalent - true Aromatherapy training and certification by NAHA), and working with crystals. I'm also looking at Sound Therapy, Trigger Point Therapy, and possibly Biocranial Sacral - but for now, I'm focusing on the business with what I have!

The next journey will happen in 2016 - we are doing another Big Move, this time to the Pacific Northwest! Amazingly, we'll be 2 hours closer to the Black Hills, and the more I read/watch about the area, the more excited I become! As such, a lot of the courses required to receive that diploma are actually quite useless outside of Ohio and so it would have been a waste of money. But the ones I really wanted to take and completed will be such a benefit to my friends and family, and soon, clientele. Keep an eye out for updates on this journey!!

Hiking in January??

Yup! I did a 2.4-mile hike in roughly 90 minutes which was pretty impressive considering the number of times I stopped to take pictures (or to catch my breath!).

I decided to risk parts of the trail being flooded and went to the Chuckery Area of the Cascade Valley South Park , set my MapMyRun and off I went. The first thing I saw, once I got past the Signal Tree, was this guy:

Cute little bugger, isn't he?


One of the things I was amazed by the most was how iridescent everything seemed to be. The snow was mostly gone -- only spots along the river and some icy spots as well. I thought it was so neat and pretty -- and then I realized it was my sunglasses. Polarized sunglasses make things very shiny, apparently!


This is the start of the hill....according to MapMyRun I had a 259 foot ascent overall. This was the first half!

And the second half, looking back down:

To rest, or not to rest?

(Yes, I rested. Long enough to take that picture looking back!!)



It really was a beautiful day for a hike with lots of birds out and lots of squirrels! The neatest for me, though, was a pair of woodpeckers. Only got a picture of the one, though.

I wish I knew what these were -- I think there must have been some type of plant or mill years ago. There were three of these and what looks like an old flume:

Getting to the last leg and down the stairs we go!

They look a lot steeper from the bottom and I was very grateful for the handrailing!

The river was simply amazing. Moreso, I think, because I know that Native Americans and settlers originally would CANOE down this river! In the springtime, that had to been nerve-wracking!!

The last bit of the hike was past a couple of picnic areas and then just when I thought I could go no farther...I was back where I started: The Signal Tree.

The river used to run much closer to the tree than it does now and Native Americans and later, settlers, would use this tree as a marker to get out of the river and portage 8 miles to Summit Lake.


It was definitely a beautiful day and while I'm on a slow start to my 2,013 miles in 2013 (2.4 miles so far) - I'm on my way. I was very over-dressed in a long-sleeved tshirt, hoodie and jeans and definitely appreciated my water bottle back in the car! I miss the days when you could drink from a stream or river and not worry about what toxins or bacteria might make you sick. I remember, as a kid, drinking out of the stream in the field across from our house all the time as well as rivulets along the hike to Harney Peak. Now? Forget it. It's a sad commentary on modern life, I think.


As for my other goals - I haven't picked up my paintbrush yet, either. I do have 1 hat of my 12 done -- It is the Michelle Hat from Kate Jackson Knits. I LOVE the pattern and the yarn -- SpaceCadet Creations Astrid purchased at Knitting On the Square and then silk ribbon accent to make it scrunchy. I look forward to making several more of these.

I'm working on a modified pattern for my next hat. The basis of the pattern is Twisted Rib Hat -- but I'm using the cable pattern from 808th Fingerless Mittens pattern (listed as Fingerless Mittens on the page) for the rib and then, after doing the math for the decreases, will use the crown shaping from the Twisted Rib Hat at the end.


Here's to more lovely days!!

The end of 2012...on to new beginnings!

Well. It seems we all survived the apocalypse. Or, it happened and the government is covering it up.

I'm looking back over 2012, as I'm sure many people are, and I'm wondering what I've accomplished, what I should have done different, and how I've changed.

I've accomplished a lot, actually. Small things but they add up just the same. Just as too many small things can overwhelm us negatively, we really should look at the small accomplishments too and let the positive overwhelm us.

--I've learned several new knitting techniques. This opens up many more possibilities for my craft.

--I've learned more about how I interact with people. This frees me to be me and know what I am and am not capable of and most importantly, to be okay with this.

--I've learned that mentally I can be objective about things and that I still need to work on that externally. Case in point is my job. I love the job. I really like the majority of my coworkers. I love the company. The benefits are respectable. BUT. I took a net $260 a month loss to work there under the impression a raise to a more livable wage would occur when I was hired on from the temp agency. The $250 I saved on auto parts? Does not make up the $1300 net loss on income over 5 months. As of today I still have not had the review & raise I was promised when I was hired on July 29th. And so I have to objectively look at this and make the best decision financially so we can thrive instead of survive--and unfortunately having a good work team does not keep the electricity turned on.

--I've learned too that I need to focus on me a lot more and this job does not allow that. After working 9-1/2 hour days, it's hard to come home, cook, clean, workout, and relax. Having Wednesdays off just does not make up for it.

--I'm remembering what I've done in the past to make things work when it comes to leading a healthier lifestyle and I've dug those tools back out and am preparing to put them to use again.

--I am so blessed for the friends I have. Doc, HunniBear, Miss Kitty and EmeraldWytch have been such a huge blessing this past year. They've really helped me cope and learn to cope. And all my other friends, too. Though we don't all always talk as much as we would like, I am still blessed to have you in my life.

--And of course, family. I didn't get to see any of my family this year and that really hurt. It falls along the lines of that net loss up above, though. There just wasn't enough money to travel and some members of my family I just know I'm on borrowed time now. This Christmas may have been my last chance to see them.

For 2013 I have some selfish goals. Okay, so really I have two goals. And lots of little tidbits.

Goal 1: Knit 12 hats for myself. I have them picked out and the patterns in order in a file folder. I will be printing a poster on which to hang a picture of each hat as it is finished. I'm doing this because I always find my knitting ladies so adorable when they wear their knit hats and berets and tams and thought why not?

Goal 2: Walk/bike/hike/run 2013 miles. For some, this is easy. It is only 5 miles a day, after all. But I'm back to not being able to walk up a flight of stairs easily again and so this will be a very good map to health.

For the little things:

Using my Richard Simmons Food Mover again. Try the recipes that I loved and work with Doc to create new ones.

Learning to read Tarot cards. They've intrigued me for decades. I printed off a course back when B&N offered online classes. It's time.

Take time every day for me. Meditation, journaling, whatever.

Create one piece of art daily. To this end, my brother was awesome enough to get me a watercolor lesson a day calendar--I can't believe he remembered!

Ultimately, by the end of 2013 I want to have a nice emergency fund and be working from home nearly full time and part time as a "bread and butter." I want to have my Etsy shop established and would love to be a part of next year's Crafty Mart.



2013. The year of Me.

Memories...

I am strong.
I am determined.
I am sexy.
I am passionate.
I am brave.
I am greater than.

So - I clicked on a random post of mine from 2010. Well, not exactly random. The title caught my eye: "**warning! very long post!!** It was almost TGIF..."

It was from a day that started off really well, went sharply downhill emotionally, and ended on a neutral-to-positive note with what I took away from it. As I read a few others from roughly that time period - I realize how far emotionally I have come. How strong I really am. And I'm glad I found that mantra above back. I think it's time to print it and hang it up to remind myself every day that I am all of those things.

As I go back over a few more older posts I'm amazed at quite a few things:

My creativity.
My willingness to share.
My acknowledgement of what I knew and know are my "trouble areas."

But mostly - with how far I've come in a few short years. And that gives me a lot of hope for the future.

Happy Saturday

Back after a long absence!! Moved to another state - son moved to yet another state. lol Today's blog:

Well - yesterday turned out to be interesting. I knew we would be going out to The Winking Lizard for dinner and drinks as a friend was having her birthday dinner there. I planned on one thing in my food planner but when we got there - well, they had a Mardi Gras menu and the Spicy “N’awlins” Flatbread Pizza just called my name. No side, just a nommy flatbread pizza. MyHoney and I also split a New Years Paddle - samples of 4 beers:

GLBC Edmund Fitzgerald Draft - Robust Porter (USA) 5.8% ABV
Complex, roasty aroma with a bitter sweet, chocolate-coffee taste

Breckenridge Vanilla Porter Draft - Porter (USA) 4.7% ABV
Big aroma and flavor of vanilla with chocolate and roasted nut

Stone Smoked Porter Draft - Porter (USA) 5.9% ABV
Chocolate and coffee character with a light smokiness

Alltech Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale - Strong Ale (USA) 8.2% ABV
Full of vanilla, wood and bourbon aromas and flavors from 6 weeks of lagering in freshly decanted bourbon barrels.

The best was, by and large, the Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale. The aroma was pure joy and the taste was fantastic. My second favorite was the Vanilla Porter while MyHoney's was the Edmund Fitzgerald. Funnily enough, my third favorite was the Edmund and his was the Vanilla! And we both agreed that of the 4 we liked the Stone Smoked Porter the least.

I was very pleased, once I added in all the ingredients, to find I stayed on the lower end of my calories for the day. And for the taste? WOW. Too bad it's a limited time menu item!

Overall - I had a pretty good week. I stayed on track calorie-wise and did manage to hit the skier twice. I'm not doing the arm part of the skier - just trying to get the legs coordinated! I may get brave and ask MyHoney to give me some pointers. I am now officially looking forward to spring and getting a bicycle again. He's an avid cyclist with no problems riding 12 miles to work. And he has the calves to show for it. Very muscular and he happens to look mighty fine in his kilt!!

This next week will be continued focus on tracking my calories and getting in a bit more exercise. I know that eventually I need to break my diet soda addiction - and for all who say to drink coffee or tea or other caffeinated beverages - it's not that easy. One - coffee and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the smell - it hates my stomach. And it's not the caffeine. It's the artificial sweetener, aspartame. But - when I'm ready to give it up, it will come as naturally and easily (yes, easily for me!) as quitting smoking 19 years ago.

On to the next week!!

June Update

Well -- I won't even look at how long it's been since I posted. Too long, I know.

For those who don't know -- I've moved to Ohio with my boyfriend, who moved from California to South Dakota first. Poor lad -- that's 2,800 miles in a smidge over 2 months!!

The move was as smooth as can be expected when I'm involved. We got a late start by a day due to issues getting paychecks cashed to have the money orders for the new apartment and then finding out that the insurance company I had chosen doesn't phrase the policy the way the leasing company prefers. Nothing like last minute issues! I would have known this earlier had I called to ensure they received my fax the week before. But I did find an insurance provider so all is good there. (The documents have to list the apartment complex as co-insured, not as an additional interested party. Very few companies list it that way as it can also be taken as the leasing company also residing in the house. Weird, but it's all good now.)

We had wonderful traveling weather the first day (Saturday) with a nice tail wind. We were going to attempt to get there by Sunday prior to 5pm as the office would be closed for Memorial Day. 1,100 miles. Should be do-able, yes? Yes.

We got a bit over half-way and as it was around 1am we decided an hour nap would be a good thing. (We had left around 3pm and had been up since 8am.) I couldn't sleep, so I let MyHoney have a nap, woke him up and we were off. Well....not 20 minutes later I was getting tired enough to be in the danger zone and so we pulled over into a small truck stop (almost more of a gas station) and slept for close to 4 hours, if I remember correctly.

We got off to a good start...until the storms caught up to us. At that point, the roads were so wet that MyHoney's car was unable to maintain traction so we pulled into another rest area. It wasn't raining anymore at this point but it was time for a good stretch. And we no sooner got into the building when the heavens let loose. It was difficult seeing the van from the building. This was the same storm system that spawned tornadoes in Chicago. We spent well over an hour at this rest area (Three Rivers, IL if I remember correctly) and at this point realized there was simply no way we could make it by Sunday before the office closed.

MyHoney's car was struggling at 65 mph so we dropped it down to 55 mph and it did much better. The cat was traveling well beside me. I had her in a medium dog crate with water and a small litter pan. We pulled into Olympia Plains to get her some cat food as it was obviously going to take longer than planned. I had contacted a friend here in our new town to ask if the offer of a sofabed was still open so we knew we had a place to sleep our first night.

The next stop, still in Olympia Plains, was McDonalds for a quick bite. He then noticed the passenger rear tire on his car -- with the nice long gouge in it with steel poking through. We also found out that Sam's Club there doesn't stock those tires as they're a performance tire. Thankfully, with the financial help of family and a tire store that had the tires in stock, a mere 2-1/2 hours later we were on the way. Again.

We drove until probably 10pm or so and then we found a nice Pilot truck stop next to a large creek. We parked there with the agreement we would sleep as long as the first person who woke up. That person would then wake the other one up. I let Fuzzy (the cat) out of the crate and she slept in a little hole in the boxes behind my head. This truck stop was really nice and I felt very safe there. When we went in in the morning it was like walking into a nice hotel lobby. I had no problems paying a bit of a premium gas price (the only time I've ever paid over $4 a gallon at this point in my life!) for the comfort and convenience.

We drove until mid-afternoon and Fuzzy had begged to be out of the crate again so she was again behind my head. Looking in the review mirror, I could see she was much more comfortable up there. We stopped for our last lunch break at a lovely rest area and I picked her up to put her back in her crate for the break. Only to find her back half wet. She had apparently tried to get her litter pan but she was so big and it was so small, she ended up missing and getting the blankets in the crate instead. We pulled a towel out of MyHoney's car and I took her into the restroom for a quick bath. At first she was very content to rest in the nice, cool sink. Then the water turned on (automatic faucets). She jumped a bit, then decided it wasn't worth the effort. hehe She stuck it out for a short bath then I wrapped her up in the towel and took her outside to dry off while we ate (she was in a harness and on a leash). My left foot was beginning to swell so we rested there a bit while I put it up. Fuzzy took the time to explore as far as the leash would let her which I felt was a good sign as to how well she would ultimately adapt. Then it was back on the road with her now established in the hideyhole on the towel.

We got to Fairlawn, OH and stopped to pick up a change of clothes for us (as alhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifl of ours were packed in the trailer under the tarp!!) and then new supplies (litterbox, food/water bowls) for Fuzzy. From there, we drove past the new apartment complex and then managed to get to our friend's house. To be asked if we would be upset if they had rented us a motel room for the night so we could stretch out without their 3 downstairs cats pestering us and Fuzzy. So SpouseofFriend took us to the hotel where we each enjoyed a nice, long shower and Fuzzy was free to explore the room. We went back to their home for a wonderful chicken dinner followed by great conversation until midnight!! (Sorry, SpouseofFriend, for keeping you up so late!)

The next morning we left the van at the hotel, took Fuzzy with, and got the keys to the apartment. More of a townhome, almost! It's a 2-level 2-bedroom apartment (floor plan can be seen here). We have the bedroom on the main floor with a nice private balcony and a lovely view:



The bedroom downstairs we plan on using as a workspace for his sewing and eventually my jewelry making. The storage room has the washer/dryer hookups and we'll rent a washer from the apartment complex for awhile. We're also renting a garage nearby for his car & my trailer. Our building is what is called the "forgotten building" as it's tucked back behind 2 other buildings and has more of the adults/small families rather than the college kids. And so far, I have no complaints of any of the neighbors.

I'm working as a Kelly Services temp driving 30 miles a day right now for a long-term assignment while looking for something closer. MyHoney is still looking as well as working on making new contacts to pick up his sewing business again and start a joint venture among 3 of us: Him, myself and a mutual friend. All in good time but we have very hopeful plans for the future.

The more I drive around the more I really like the area. I am hoping for a very enjoyable time here in Ohio.

What on earth happened to January??

I swear, I looked at my calendar and it was just barely the beginning of January. And now it's already February? Time to get my flail on!!

For what, exactly, am I flailing? Well...I'm making a huge change in my life. My son is 18 and is no longer in school I'm no longer required to keep tabs on him (although it's hard not to) and I've always said once he turns 18 I'm living my life for me. So the beginning of May I am moving to Ohio!!

But here's the caveat -- I'm only taking what will fit in my minivan and the 4x8 trailer I have. That means no furniture is going with. I'll take my airmattress and bedframe, my camping chair, my folding table and chairs, the toybox I got as a young 'un that Dad made and is my blanket chest, and the Barbie dollhouse Dad and Uncle Russell made for me when I was a young 'un. I am wanting a clean start and that is what I am doing.

It's scary and exciting. It's guilt-wrenching and relieving. I feel so bad moving even farther away from my Dad and my brother and his family. I feel guilty leaving my son. I'm also really looking forward to this. I have so many friends in OH already, courtesy of Ravelry. It's just amazing how people you meet online and then in person as they travel can be just as comfortable as meeting family. There are better job opportunities for me there, as well.

And it's just time for me. Time for me to explore. Time for me to continue learning about myself.

And time to start purging myself of the past, so to speak. I'm already sorting and culling what I want to take with. Priorities, of course. Two cats, slow cooker, roaster, marble pastry roller, wine glasses, glass food storage, books, yarn, blankets, fishing stuff...what else? Oh, yes. Clothes. ;-) The people in Ohio might appreciate that.

I took on a second job to help add to the moving fund. I work at a hotel at the front desk and oddly, I really enjoy it. Between that and my other job, I work anywhere from 44 to 60 hours a week. Which means my eating habits have dropped back into the quick-and-easy-but-not-necessarily-healthy category. I've regained some weight and need to get refocused on that a bit. If only healthy food tasted like chocolate, yes?

My son is looking forward to my moving. What teenager would't be? But he's also apprehensive a bit and we've been talking things over about different options he will have to pay bills and such. His best friend has already laid claim to my room, which I find amusing. He is really enjoying his job at McDonalds but is also thinking things through as to what he wants to do with his life. He has a good head on his shoulders and he has what he needs to make the right choices. Hopefully he doesn't let himself get swayed too much by his peers...

This all sounds kind of crazy and sudden for me...but it's been in the works in my head for a long time. And things are falling together for it nicely. Some One is watching out for me and guiding me down this path. I'm looking forward to seeing where it leads.

And to enjoy my life. I was reminded today at work...


Sometimes, tomorrow never comes....

New Beginnings

So, I'm done with my training at my second job and so I can resume my regular schedule of being up late and waking up late. My intention this week is to get up and do Self magazine's Stairing Contest. Modified, of course.

Essentially, it's 50 steps with the right leg, 50 with the left and then 10 incline pushups on the stairs in between sets. You're supposed to do this on the stairway but mine is older and so they're rather tall. I'll be using my step and then doing incline pushups against the wall. And I'll be starting with one set three times a week. My ankle and hip are bugging me and so I don't want to push it too much. No sense hurting myself further, right?

This weekend I've been suffering slightly from a case of cabin fever. I'm tired of watching TV (well, Netflix and DVDs) and I'm tired of putzing around online. I want to sit on my front porch and listen to audiobooks and knit. I want to walk around the lake and not worry about freezing. I want to go fishing, and not ice fishing!! I want to go camping. What can I say, cold weather does it to me every time. :-)

On the crafty front, I have a baby project going for a friend of mine who is pregnant, a secret square project, and I'm test knitting a fingerless gloves pattern. I'm sure there's more but those are the top three I'm working on. The baby project is crocheted, the other two are both knit.

The second job is going well. It's a front desk clerk and my co-workers are pretty great. It is only part-time as well but every penny helps. It was nice to treat my son to delivery pizza last night, for example. We've lived here for a year and have only been able to get it once in that time. It tasted good and now I'm good for awhile again.

Not a lot else -- these next few months will be filled with work and culling things that I don't want to move 1,000 miles. And, quite frankly, there will be a lot of things that I just won't be wanting to move that far. I hope Salvation Army and Goodwill are prepared for me!!!

New Year, New Me?

How many times do we hear that phrase in the months of December and January? How many times do we say it? And.....how often do we actually follow through?

I learned a long time ago that resolutions are not for me. If I don't keep them, it sends me down a path of self-loathing and I spiral on until I hit, if not rock-bottom, pretty darned close.

I have goals, though. And 2010 I hit quite a few. I never did make it down to the weight-limit for sky-diving. In fact, I've put back on 10 pounds. I'm still down 28 pounds -- about 9%. I'll take it and gladly. Why? Because I'm learning my triggers. I'm learning what sets me off emotionally. I'm learning what I do and don't like to eat.

One of my goals is to become more self-aware and to stand up for myself more. I did not put my life "on hold" for anyone this past year. I didn't "wait around" for Mr. Right-now to get in touch. If he didn't have the time, it was his loss, my gain. That's not to say that I have written these people off completely. If they do contact me, sure, I'll go out for a drink or to a movie. But I'm not waiting for them if I want to go to the movie, either. I have no problems going by myself and enjoying my own company now. Fishing by myself? No problem. L, the friend who I used to go fishing with often, has simply stopped speaking to me. She no longer replies to texts or answers her phone. I don't know why and while I am hurt because I really do like her and enjoy her company, I also realize that perhaps she was a friend for a reason and that reason is gone. I have great memories and nothing can take those away from me.

I am no longer upset that I'm on an anti-depressant. It is helping me cope and keeping me sane. Well, relatively sane. It helps to know that this is a temporary situation -- as things improve in my life then my mind will sort itself out and the need for the anti-depressant will lessen. But if it doesn't? Well, it's not exactly the end of the world either, is it? God made me this way for a reason -- who am I to question that?

I'm learning to let go of things, too. Including my son. As scary as it might sound, he is now 18. As such, it's been really hard not asking who/what/when/where. We're both adjusting to the change -- he wants more freedoms and so is frustrated when I ask when he'll be home. I explain that I'm asking because I need to know if he'll be there for supper or if he needs a ride to or from work. I need to know so that I can plan accordingly. His life affects others, not just him. We also have a living arrangement and he needs to keep his part of that. It's not that I'm taking away freedoms by insisting he keeps his part; it's that he is of an adult age and that means more responsibilities, not automatic freedoms. In all, it is going well. There are some days where the lack of communication is frustrating but as a whole, he's doing well and I feel okay with letting him go.

I spent part of 2010 meeting new friends. Well, new in that I hadn't met them in person before but I had known them for quite awhile via the Internet. What a wonderful thing the Internet can be. I met my HunniBear and Sheepie and their families last summer and both times it was just like sitting down with family. It also showed me how lonely I am here in this town and how many things I know I would enjoy doing that I am missing out on.

I knit my first pair of socks and went on to knit 5 more pair before the end of the year. Not bad considering just a smidge over a year ago I was still trying to figure out how to use two needles at a time, let alone five! I'm really enjoying knitting, though and it is somewhat frustrating not having local friends to share that with.

The last goal I had for 2010 was to try shuttle tatting. And I did so, on New Year's Eve. I'm not sure I will ever be proficient in it, but time will tell. There is a definite trick to it but I know that the things that can be created are well worth the time.

The year 2010 ended better than it began. While I was still only working part-time and still struggling financially, I was in a good home with a wonderful landlord working a job that I enjoy and I was again thinking of my future and what I want and where I want to be.

For me, 2011 will be a year of changes, however. I started a second job this past week and so for a couple of weeks anyway I'll be working 60 hours a week. It will be nice to get a couple of bills caught up and then start putting money aside for what I'm terming "My Big Move.™" I'm ready to spread my wings and fly a bit. Meeting HunniBear and her family and Sheepie and her family started a bee a-buzzing around my head.

HunniBear and I have been commenting a lot on how we must be sisters born of different parents (and since she's from Great Britain -- that is a task!). We think a lot alike, we have the same sense of humor and we both have commented how much fun we would have if we were but closer to each other. When we met in Mitchell on their move from Utah to Ohio, it was comfortable and fun.

Sheepie and her family just showed me how much I am missing out on with having no local friends to speak of. And they showed me also how easy it can be to make new friends. When we met in Mitchell on their Epic Trip™ from Ohio to Utah and back again, it was comfortable and fun. In both cases, it was full of warmth and true caring.

I looked at my friends list in Ravelry and lo -- there are quite a few in Ohio. HunniBear is in the Dayton area and she has "first dibs" on me so I looked at housing in that area. It's not horribly bad. I found a one-bedroom apartment I like that has more square footage than the first floor of the house I'm renting right now (and of which I've always maintained the first floor alone is enough for just me) for only $80 more a month. While that seems like a lot going from a house to an apartment, I'm also keeping in mind that with that there is yard care and snow removal among other things that are not included in my rent here. Not to mention lower heating/cooling costs.

Then I looked at job opportunities for me. Wow. It wouldn't take me long to find a good paying job at all. There is a really good transit system in place and so I could also save quite a bit using a bus pass instead of driving everywhere. There are two good universities should I opt to pursue some higher education.

And most importantly? A built-in network system. With people who know me, love me and really want me there. That in and of itself has been such a boost to my sense of self-worth. I have a HunniBear, a Sheepie and a Magpie all providing such wonderful support and shoulders to lean on. Mr. Sheepie even told me to make sure I bring my fishing stuffs! Mr. HunniBear and I got along great and he told me that I would always be welcome. I haven't met Mr. Magpie yet but Magpie assures me he is safe. hehe So it isn't just that I have friends...but that I have full-blown families waiting for me with arms wide open.

There are cons, of course. I would be even farther away from my father and my brother and his family as well as the extended family. It would be really hard to know that I'm no longer just 5 hours away by car. But it's my turn to see a bit of the world. I "settled down" at 18 when my son was born. I did everything I was "supposed to" and while I've been -- content? -- I haven't been truly happy. My brother lived in two states and owned a home in one before he married the woman of his dreams (and I maintain to this day I could not ask for a better sister-in-law!!). It's my turn to have my time. To find out what I really enjoy doing. To see parts of the world.

And to leave my son to fend for himself. That is the hardest part of all. He has a respectable support network here, however. And he really does like it here. He is a little uncertain of how he'll do on his own but he knows he has the knowledge and it's time to put it into practice. I'll do everything I can to make sure he's not been set up for failure, of course. But he has the basic knowledge. He can grocery shop, he can cook, he can clean, he can do laundry. He knows how to prioritize his money and is practicing that now. I wish I could set him up like my parents did for me. I wish I could leave him a car. I wish I could have money to help him out on occasion. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, right?

I have my Dad's support. He isn't 100% happy about it, which I understand, but he understands my feelings and he is at least at terms with it. My brother and I haven't talked about it much because we just simply don't talk a lot. My SIL and I have, though, and about the only thing she said was something along the lines of it wouldn't make a lot of difference because they hardly see us anyway. Which is true enough -- although I did refrain from saying that the Interstate is a two-way highway and they have better financial capabilities for traveling than I do. :-) I love her and I know she meant no ill-will. It is true -- we don't get to see each other hardly at all. But with better job opportunities, that has a better chance of changing.

So 2010 was the year the good started coming back again. What will 2011 bring?

NaNoWriMo!!

Yes...I've been absent. So sorry. And this month is NaNo. And I just read an article by a woman LAMBASTING NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writer's Month). She is someone who clearly doesn't understand it so in her opinion it's wrong, it's stupid, it's a waste of time. The article is here and she really does strike me as a hateful person. Well, spiteful.

And so I would like you to read this wonderful comment. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I have tried NaNo for 4 years previously and have yet to hit 50,000 words. But every year I get better and every year I get closer. More importantly, every year I have a good time seeing how far I can push myself and cheering on my friends that are participating with me.

This Laura Miller person? Can kiss my patootie.

Tuesday's Talking

Oh happy day!

I just returned from the doctor’s office and I couldn’t be happier. On a scale of, I believe 0-18; my depression level went from a 12 to a 2 in 3 weeks. She was impressed. Also, my blood pressure, which normally runs 133-136/85-90, was 118/60! Yay! She does think that this is a situational depression given all the changes that have happened over the past year and feels that in a few months, once everything else has sorted out, we can look at tapering the dose and eventually weaning off the citalopram (generic Celexa.) I go back in 2 weeks for another recheck.

I have an interview for a 911-dispatch position at the local police department on the 19th. This would be part-time, in addition to my ALA job. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Being able to pay all the bills would be a huge weight off my shoulders, for sure and for certain! I think it would be a fun job along with a challenging one. It’s also within walking distance of the house, another bonus.

The weather here has been beautiful the last few days. I’m enjoying sitting on the front porch with the breeze wafting through the window. One of my bedroom windows opens to the porch and has no screen so I’ve started leaving it open so the cats can go in and out and enjoy it as well. We do have plenty of wind today, though! My brother must be talking up a storm, haha.

On the crafty front, lots going on. I finished up 4 reverse mitered squares (knit) and got those mailed off. I have 3 bobble squares (crocheted) done for another group project and 3 daisy squares (crocheted) also done for yet another group project. And now I’m done with group projects and don’t know what to do! lol (And those that know me can attest to the fact that I never have nothing to do..always a half-dozen projects going!) I’m actually almost done with my Ithacowl (knit) with all it’s little unique traits (read: mistakes!) and my socks are really coming along well. They also will have little unique traits, hehe. I am amazed at how quickly they’re working up and, really, how easy they are so far. Of course, I’m only at the cuff at the moment. I’ve not yet gotten to the heel, gusset and toe! If you hear screams of frustration you’ll know where I’m at! I’ve brought out my Cabled Heather Wrap (crocheted) to work on again as well. For a bit here I’m going to focus on projects for “me.” Which may or may not include knitting a Grumpysaurus for each of my nephews just because. (So Jodi, if you’re reading this, any thoughts on colors for a stuffed Grumpysaur?)

My weight loss is progressing slowly, steadily and surely and I am good with that. The doctor and nurse both commented on it today. The nurse asked what I was doing and so I told her it’s all about eating less and moving more. It really is, too. I have the same things for breakfast, morning snack and lunch during the week. Afternoon snack and supper depend on what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Some nights it’s just a big batch of popcorn. Sometimes it’s a full-course meal. Walking to work and the post office 4 days a week helps a lot. That’s 25 minutes a day. And a lot of days I take the dog to the lake and we walk around it twice which adds up to 2 miles, roughly. Just little changes I’ve made over the last few months that have really added up (49 pounds’ worth as of yesterday!). It’s funny how some people just don’t understand that that is all I am doing. They can’t believe it’s that “easy.” They’re, of course, hoping for a magic button to push and so far I haven’t found that. Nor do I want to. I have more energy than I have had in a long time. That whole law of motion thing – a body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. It’s all about movement!!

Short blog today but just had to put in that I sorted through 2 boxes of clothes marked 20# and 20-30# (for pounds lost) and only 1/2 of one box goes back! I literally "gave" myself a new wardrobe today! Of course, I have to sort through my closet again as I've not quite got enough room for all these clothes...lol But I am really proud of myself. I'm starting to take pride in how I look again which is just great for me. Such a huge step forward.

I did have another "attack" of sorts this past weekend. I went to Mitchell with a friend, "Elle," and we bought stuff for her kitchen and her jonboat and then went to Culvers. Where I had their walleye. Deep fat fried. After having pizza the night before. Did I mention deep fat fried? Like grease sitting in the plate deep fat fried? And so I should have figured I'd end up in the ER again. I didn't eat all of it, but enough to set me off. Hopefully when I go see my doctor next week she sees the need (finally!) to get my gall bladder ultrasounded and possibly a HIDA scan as this time my lipase (I think) levels were up which means my pancreas was becoming involved. Kind of scary but an easy fix is to just take the gall bladder out.

I'm still walking to the post office and work and back again 4 times a week. That's a good 30 minutes each day. I've also taken to driving to the lake (can't walk by the river anymore until the flooding is down) and taking walks on a "U" path as you can't walk around it due to the flooding. So it ends up being almost 2 miles walked instead of just 1. And this is a problem how? ;-) The dog enjoys the walks although she's still having issues with other dogs. We had been approached by aggressive ones so many times walking through town I just don't think this will pass. Maybe I need to call Cesar Millan! lol

I'm still searching for that elusive 2nd job. I no longer have internet at home but can use wifi at the library and can access email at work. Hopefully something comes up soon. I did break down and turn the heat back on today as I was really cold sitting in the house. Can't wait until it gets nicer out again!!

Otherwise things are well. I started my first pair of knit socks on the 1st and that's all I've done with them. I may tinker with them a bit again today. They're on double-pointed needles and that will take some getting used to. I also have 2 more daisy squares to make and 3 bobble squares, both for group projects. No shortage of things to do in my spare time!

Thanks for reading!

Saturday's Thoughts

Well, before I do too much thinking, hehe, here are pictures of the river from Wednesday. It is a really nice walk, ends up being about 2.5 miles (per my pedometer) to go down there and back and the dog really seems to enjoy it. These pictures were taken from the same spot as the ones I posted Wednesday. I'll possibly/probably go back this afternoon since the walk will do me good physically and emotionally/mentally.





So last night I was home alone and chatting with a friend and just in general letting Little Miss Drama Queen run rampant in my head. This is never a good thing, of course. My cell phone has been really quiet the last few days with a couple of exceptions. And it just kind of got me feeling lonely. Thankfully, Thursday a little BlueMouse listened to me talk for an hour and was really a wonderful ear. She reminded me of many things and just pulled me out of my minifunk. And she's been fun to text back and forth with. I watch my son's phone and it just never seems to stop with the texting from friends and then mine is so quiet most of the time and I just start feeling bad. I can't believe I let an inanimate object make me feel that way. It seems really odd. And it's part of that "instant gratification" thing that seems to be running rampant in the world anymore. I never used to need it and now it seems like I do. I used to work on large craft projects for the craft, not for the feeling of having accomplished something RIGHT NOW. It's almost as if I'm scared life is passing me by and I need to get all this stuff done NOW and I need to hear from my friends NOW because I don't want to miss a moment of them. And with the way-too-early death of my mother and with being the person who receives all the death notices of ALA members across the state, well, it's easy to see how I can start to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Except that I miss out on more when I start to feel sorry for myself.

This friend that listened to me last night is wonderful. We'll call him Breandan. He listens, he gives excellent advice and he's very blunt and to the point when needed. He reminds me of what I already know and helps to reinforce it a bit. I think the main thing he does for me is just lets me be me and say what I need to say and then just gives me the best virtual hugs. I really wish I was closer to him because I like to think we would hang out a lot and just have fun together. His friends sound like they would be fun to meet as well and I kind of feel like I would rather fit in well down there. And what I always come away with when we talk is a sense of self-acceptance. It might take a bit of time for me to really feel it, but he's very good at helping me in that area.

This morning I had to run to the post office to drop some things off in the mail and I decided to just drive around a bit. It's what I do when I'm fretful. Someone once said I was looking for J doing that and that got me thinking this morning. Now, where I drive is pretty rural. The chances of seeing anyone at all, let alone someone you know, are pretty slim. So, while I DO think I'm looking for someone, it's not this new gentleman friend, not J, not a knight in shining armor. I'm searching for myself still. And I hope that I never stop that search. I really do. It's a hard search with a lot of hard work going into it but I think the rewards will be well worth it. I said last night I wish I was half as strong as my friends think I am. And thus reminded myself of my favorite quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure:' “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

WIP Wednesday and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Works in progress Wednesday - :-) We'll see if I can manage to do this weekly.

#1 WIP is me, of course. Mentally I'm doing really well. Positive thoughts are taking over negative ones which is always good. This week is a tough one physically, though. I just can't seem to be anything less than tired. For pete's sake yesterday I was watching "The Tommyknockers" and chatting with a friend online and just about fell asleep in my chair. But come time for bed, it's like all my senses are out of whack. It's not even like my brain is going into overdrive overthinking things, either. I'm just...awake. No real thoughts or issues. Just not sleeping. I've started just sitting and kind of rocking myself for a bit to see if that helps and it does seem to. So maybe I need to spend some quite time in my rocking chair before I go to bed.

#2 WIP is another Lil Sunhat. I started this Sunday afternoon and I'm modifying the pattern a bit on the brim to accomodate not using thread for the trim. It will be done by the end of the week.


#3 WIP is still the afghan. I didn't quite get it done. Should get it done this weekend, though. No recent pictures.

#4 WIP is the reverse mitered squares. As you can see, by the 3rd one I was getting much better. The first 2 (in yellow/pink) are definitely starter squares! lol I will finish the 4th one on the needles and do 2 more in the yarn sitting up top and get those sent off. These are being done with a group of friends out of sock yarn and one of us (or two of us) will be stitching these squares together to make a baby blanket. I can't wait to see the final product!!



#5 WIP are daisy afghan squares. These are also part of a group project for a friend moving and getting married. This is one of three that I will do.


And, for anyone curious - I went back to the river Monday afternoon and this is what I found:



I'll probably walk down there again today. It's a decent walk and the dog enjoys it, too.

'Tis the weekend

This is the river at normal stages.


This is now. And we're not even done melting and through the rainy season yet.



On the upside, Kidlet and I took the dog on what amounted to a 2.5-mile walk. We went the post office where he held her while I got the mail and then down to the river. I knew it would be up a bit but I really wasn't expecting it to be up this much already. The goofy dog wanted to check it out and I think she thought she could walk in a couple steps and get her feet wet and call it good. Except that where we were is the top of an embankment when the river is at normal levels so that wasn't happening. Silly girl. (She was on her leash and harness so please don't chew me out - she was completely safe.) It's funny that I am colder now than I was while we were walking. I think it's about 38F out and I just had a hoody on. Now I'm in the house and I want to put the hoody back on!! Ah well. It was a nice walk and I'll probably take her again tomorrow, skipping the post office.

On a projects note - I'm allllmost done with this afghan. I will probably finish it tonight while watching Beowulf. I've got 1 more reverse mitered square done and so will be down to 2 of those left in another color. I have a sunhat to make for a relative of my SIL's. They've paid me to do it. I have to modify the pattern just a smidge as I won't be doing the thread edging. Until I get some ergo hooks thread and I just won't be working together for a bit. The afghan and the sunhat I'm going to try to meet my commitment of being done by the end of the month. Because...April 1 I have committed to casting on my first pair of hand-knit socks. With this yarn:



I'm a bit nervous as I've never worked with double-pointed needles and they look very intimidating! LOL But rumor has it I'll pick it up quickly. We'll see.

I'm better today than I was. I think there's another minor mental shift going on in regards to new friends and life and so on. It's all good and it's all a learning process. I just sometimes feel frustrated that I don't already know this stuff! :-)

Thanks for reading!!

Another week - another emotional upset

I wish I could figure my head out. I really do. It's like I try to self-sabotage myself.

Quick revamp of the last year - decided Jan. 2009 I was going to file for divorce once I had a slush fund saved up. Lost job. February - decided while on trip to Hills to see family would file anyway and let finances take care of themselves. March - Spousal unit became deathly ill before I could talk to him about this. April - Get motivated to do my medical transcription work from home & earn enough to pay bills, even though it takes almost 10 weeks to get paid from this contract. Consider giving spousal unit another chance. Until finding pot & paycheck stubs in coat when emptying pockets before washing it and realize he'd been lying about his wages. For months. May - talk to him and we agree for a pro se divorce but won't file until he's medically cleared to go back to work and I have found a new place to live. He paid for the house, he deserves it. June - meet a new friend and learn to open up and talk. July - file for divorce, MIL and SIL get involved, turn things nasty and spousal unit up and moves out. MT work dries up.
August - Lean heavily on new friend, meet more friends of theirs, learn that spousal unit has actually been lying for the entire 3 years we lived here. Begin rebuilding inner self. Start job at Wal-Mart. September - realize, in court, filled out paperwork wrong and have to wait 1 more month for divorce to be final. October - divorce is final, quit Wal-Mart start working at the ALA Dept. Headquarters.

In that time, I've had two inner voices - Little Miss Drama Queen (LMDQ) who likes to blow things out of proportion, try to insist I'm not worth new friends, meeting new men will never work for me, I'll never dig myself out of this hole I'm in and just in general turns me into a sobbing mess while rebuilding walls around myself so I don't let people in again. Cocky Ass Bitch thinks she's the "be all and end all" and everyone should be glad to have the chance to meet her. I'm coming to terms with these inner voices. They each have their own time and place.

There is a new voice though, that says "This one is worth waiting for. Be patient." I don't know who it is. I think I know who they're referring to and the situation. But it is a calm voice. A Zen voice. And with the exception of the last few days? It's been kicking LMDQ's ass and then some. Clearly, this is a voice I need to listen to and let speak more.

I am finding I still have a lot of emotional maturing to do. This past week, LMDQ has been in full swing. Why? Because my friends aren't available when I want them to be (not to be confused with when they HAVE been available this week and have let me cry on their shoulders!) and because I've become ensconced in this "instant gratification" crap and so when I don't hear back from certain people I just start freaking out and think that there is something wrong with me. Never mind the fact that just the night before we may have had wonderful conversations and have been told that I can contact them anytime. Or that they respond to my forum posts almost immediately in one of my groups. Or when they're on Yahoo they let me cry and give me love and advice. Or via text message. Or on the phone.

Apparently I am still needing to learn to become emotionally independent to an extent. I also need to work on letting my friends BE my friends and not feel bad. As one says, I let her stay for a week or better on my couch to help her out. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I need help from them? And to take that help gratefully and without guilt? I think it's partly because I've been trying for years to prove to everyone that I am a capable adult and I can do things on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. I know that I need to prove to myself I can do things on my own, but part of being on your own includes having friends to talk to and letting them BE your friend.

So when I text them for hours one night, I don't need to feel bad the next day. Clearly, this is a good friend who is willing to listen and cheer you up. They may not have time to see you right now, but that does not make them any less a friend and it does not mean they don't care.

When I see their status as "Go.Away" on Yahoo and they still talk to me? Take it. Enjoy it. Be grateful.

When they fake-study to listen to me (although I'm sure she will also use this for research purposes...love you!), be grateful.

When they call you and listen and don't complain that they never get to talk....be grateful.

When they read your long blog post (and comment if that is the case)....be grateful.

I am surrounded by friends. I may not be able to touch them and hug them like I would like. But they are here, nonetheless. And for that, I am grateful.

Personality Profile

Here are my test results...

Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.

Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Emotional Stability is low indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.