Saturday, March 20, 2010

Saturday's Thoughts

Well, before I do too much thinking, hehe, here are pictures of the river from Wednesday. It is a really nice walk, ends up being about 2.5 miles (per my pedometer) to go down there and back and the dog really seems to enjoy it. These pictures were taken from the same spot as the ones I posted Wednesday. I'll possibly/probably go back this afternoon since the walk will do me good physically and emotionally/mentally.

So last night I was home alone and chatting with a friend and just in general letting Little Miss Drama Queen run rampant in my head. This is never a good thing, of course. My cell phone has been really quiet the last few days with a couple of exceptions. And it just kind of got me feeling lonely. Thankfully, Thursday a little BlueMouse listened to me talk for an hour and was really a wonderful ear. She reminded me of many things and just pulled me out of my minifunk. And she's been fun to text back and forth with. I watch my son's phone and it just never seems to stop with the texting from friends and then mine is so quiet most of the time and I just start feeling bad. I can't believe I let an inanimate object make me feel that way. It seems really odd. And it's part of that "instant gratification" thing that seems to be running rampant in the world anymore. I never used to need it and now it seems like I do. I used to work on large craft projects for the craft, not for the feeling of having accomplished something RIGHT NOW. It's almost as if I'm scared life is passing me by and I need to get all this stuff done NOW and I need to hear from my friends NOW because I don't want to miss a moment of them. And with the way-too-early death of my mother and with being the person who receives all the death notices of ALA members across the state, well, it's easy to see how I can start to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Except that I miss out on more when I start to feel sorry for myself.

This friend that listened to me last night is wonderful. We'll call him Breandan. He listens, he gives excellent advice and he's very blunt and to the point when needed. He reminds me of what I already know and helps to reinforce it a bit. I think the main thing he does for me is just lets me be me and say what I need to say and then just gives me the best virtual hugs. I really wish I was closer to him because I like to think we would hang out a lot and just have fun together. His friends sound like they would be fun to meet as well and I kind of feel like I would rather fit in well down there. And what I always come away with when we talk is a sense of self-acceptance. It might take a bit of time for me to really feel it, but he's very good at helping me in that area.

This morning I had to run to the post office to drop some things off in the mail and I decided to just drive around a bit. It's what I do when I'm fretful. Someone once said I was looking for J doing that and that got me thinking this morning. Now, where I drive is pretty rural. The chances of seeing anyone at all, let alone someone you know, are pretty slim. So, while I DO think I'm looking for someone, it's not this new gentleman friend, not J, not a knight in shining armor. I'm searching for myself still. And I hope that I never stop that search. I really do. It's a hard search with a lot of hard work going into it but I think the rewards will be well worth it. I said last night I wish I was half as strong as my friends think I am. And thus reminded myself of my favorite quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure:' “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

WIP Wednesday and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Works in progress Wednesday - :-) We'll see if I can manage to do this weekly.

#1 WIP is me, of course. Mentally I'm doing really well. Positive thoughts are taking over negative ones which is always good. This week is a tough one physically, though. I just can't seem to be anything less than tired. For pete's sake yesterday I was watching "The Tommyknockers" and chatting with a friend online and just about fell asleep in my chair. But come time for bed, it's like all my senses are out of whack. It's not even like my brain is going into overdrive overthinking things, either. I'm just...awake. No real thoughts or issues. Just not sleeping. I've started just sitting and kind of rocking myself for a bit to see if that helps and it does seem to. So maybe I need to spend some quite time in my rocking chair before I go to bed.

#2 WIP is another Lil Sunhat. I started this Sunday afternoon and I'm modifying the pattern a bit on the brim to accomodate not using thread for the trim. It will be done by the end of the week.

#3 WIP is still the afghan. I didn't quite get it done. Should get it done this weekend, though. No recent pictures.

#4 WIP is the reverse mitered squares. As you can see, by the 3rd one I was getting much better. The first 2 (in yellow/pink) are definitely starter squares! lol I will finish the 4th one on the needles and do 2 more in the yarn sitting up top and get those sent off. These are being done with a group of friends out of sock yarn and one of us (or two of us) will be stitching these squares together to make a baby blanket. I can't wait to see the final product!!

#5 WIP are daisy afghan squares. These are also part of a group project for a friend moving and getting married. This is one of three that I will do.

And, for anyone curious - I went back to the river Monday afternoon and this is what I found:

I'll probably walk down there again today. It's a decent walk and the dog enjoys it, too.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

'Tis the weekend

This is the river at normal stages.

This is now. And we're not even done melting and through the rainy season yet.

On the upside, Kidlet and I took the dog on what amounted to a 2.5-mile walk. We went the post office where he held her while I got the mail and then down to the river. I knew it would be up a bit but I really wasn't expecting it to be up this much already. The goofy dog wanted to check it out and I think she thought she could walk in a couple steps and get her feet wet and call it good. Except that where we were is the top of an embankment when the river is at normal levels so that wasn't happening. Silly girl. (She was on her leash and harness so please don't chew me out - she was completely safe.) It's funny that I am colder now than I was while we were walking. I think it's about 38F out and I just had a hoody on. Now I'm in the house and I want to put the hoody back on!! Ah well. It was a nice walk and I'll probably take her again tomorrow, skipping the post office.

On a projects note - I'm allllmost done with this afghan. I will probably finish it tonight while watching Beowulf. I've got 1 more reverse mitered square done and so will be down to 2 of those left in another color. I have a sunhat to make for a relative of my SIL's. They've paid me to do it. I have to modify the pattern just a smidge as I won't be doing the thread edging. Until I get some ergo hooks thread and I just won't be working together for a bit. The afghan and the sunhat I'm going to try to meet my commitment of being done by the end of the month. Because...April 1 I have committed to casting on my first pair of hand-knit socks. With this yarn:

I'm a bit nervous as I've never worked with double-pointed needles and they look very intimidating! LOL But rumor has it I'll pick it up quickly. We'll see.

I'm better today than I was. I think there's another minor mental shift going on in regards to new friends and life and so on. It's all good and it's all a learning process. I just sometimes feel frustrated that I don't already know this stuff! :-)

Thanks for reading!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Another week - another emotional upset

I wish I could figure my head out. I really do. It's like I try to self-sabotage myself.

Quick revamp of the last year - decided Jan. 2009 I was going to file for divorce once I had a slush fund saved up. Lost job. February - decided while on trip to Hills to see family would file anyway and let finances take care of themselves. March - Spousal unit became deathly ill before I could talk to him about this. April - Get motivated to do my medical transcription work from home & earn enough to pay bills, even though it takes almost 10 weeks to get paid from this contract. Consider giving spousal unit another chance. Until finding pot & paycheck stubs in coat when emptying pockets before washing it and realize he'd been lying about his wages. For months. May - talk to him and we agree for a pro se divorce but won't file until he's medically cleared to go back to work and I have found a new place to live. He paid for the house, he deserves it. June - meet a new friend and learn to open up and talk. July - file for divorce, MIL and SIL get involved, turn things nasty and spousal unit up and moves out. MT work dries up.
August - Lean heavily on new friend, meet more friends of theirs, learn that spousal unit has actually been lying for the entire 3 years we lived here. Begin rebuilding inner self. Start job at Wal-Mart. September - realize, in court, filled out paperwork wrong and have to wait 1 more month for divorce to be final. October - divorce is final, quit Wal-Mart start working at the ALA Dept. Headquarters.

In that time, I've had two inner voices - Little Miss Drama Queen (LMDQ) who likes to blow things out of proportion, try to insist I'm not worth new friends, meeting new men will never work for me, I'll never dig myself out of this hole I'm in and just in general turns me into a sobbing mess while rebuilding walls around myself so I don't let people in again. Cocky Ass Bitch thinks she's the "be all and end all" and everyone should be glad to have the chance to meet her. I'm coming to terms with these inner voices. They each have their own time and place.

There is a new voice though, that says "This one is worth waiting for. Be patient." I don't know who it is. I think I know who they're referring to and the situation. But it is a calm voice. A Zen voice. And with the exception of the last few days? It's been kicking LMDQ's ass and then some. Clearly, this is a voice I need to listen to and let speak more.

I am finding I still have a lot of emotional maturing to do. This past week, LMDQ has been in full swing. Why? Because my friends aren't available when I want them to be (not to be confused with when they HAVE been available this week and have let me cry on their shoulders!) and because I've become ensconced in this "instant gratification" crap and so when I don't hear back from certain people I just start freaking out and think that there is something wrong with me. Never mind the fact that just the night before we may have had wonderful conversations and have been told that I can contact them anytime. Or that they respond to my forum posts almost immediately in one of my groups. Or when they're on Yahoo they let me cry and give me love and advice. Or via text message. Or on the phone.

Apparently I am still needing to learn to become emotionally independent to an extent. I also need to work on letting my friends BE my friends and not feel bad. As one says, I let her stay for a week or better on my couch to help her out. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I need help from them? And to take that help gratefully and without guilt? I think it's partly because I've been trying for years to prove to everyone that I am a capable adult and I can do things on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. I know that I need to prove to myself I can do things on my own, but part of being on your own includes having friends to talk to and letting them BE your friend.

So when I text them for hours one night, I don't need to feel bad the next day. Clearly, this is a good friend who is willing to listen and cheer you up. They may not have time to see you right now, but that does not make them any less a friend and it does not mean they don't care.

When I see their status as "Go.Away" on Yahoo and they still talk to me? Take it. Enjoy it. Be grateful.

When they fake-study to listen to me (although I'm sure she will also use this for research you!), be grateful.

When they call you and listen and don't complain that they never get to grateful.

When they read your long blog post (and comment if that is the case) grateful.

I am surrounded by friends. I may not be able to touch them and hug them like I would like. But they are here, nonetheless. And for that, I am grateful.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Personality Profile

Here are my test results...

Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.

Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Emotional Stability is low indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

A Day of Reflections

So it's been a weekend. Friday night was not pretty for me emotionally. Last night my son decided to be a teenager and push my buttons. (Hard to believe, I know. haha) What he did wasn't such a bad thing, just another petty annoyance and it caught me at a bad time. So this morning we talked and we're setting ground rules that will give him a little more freedom. He has a lot of friends and he should be able to see them. He doesn't need to be cooped up in the house just because I suck at meeting new people and making new friends. :-) BUT there are also now consequences in place and in writing so it will be easier for the scatter-brained side of me to follow through.

This morning I'm looking at these things and reflecting on how I would have reacted a year ago. It would not have been pretty. We'll leave it at that. I think I'm really coming along in managing my stress levels and my reactions. I'm letting go of what I can't control and not fretting over things as much. When that "fret nag" starts to try to talk her way into my head again I speak over her, reminding myself of the positive things. "You've not heard from this friend, they don't want to talk to you." No....I've not heard from them because they have a life and it does not revolve around me. BUT they like me, they like fishing with me, they like talking to me, they think I'm their emotional rock when they need someone to talk to and so on. A year ago that fretful nag would have completely overwhelmed me and I would have fallen into a funk and just been miserable. Today I'm able to look back on things and go okay, this is what could have been handled a bit better, this is what you handled well. No negative self-talk.

On the health side of things, this is also adding up. I've had less headaches, less muscle aches. I'm not tracking what I eat like I probably should be but I am still being more conscious of what I eat. I'm paying more attention to what my body is telling me and so I'm not over eating either. A pair of my grubby jeans can now be taken off without having to unbutton/unzip them which was a pleasant surprise this morning. I'm waking up feeling rested, even though I have been waking up once or twice during the night for a couple nights. No reason and I usually fall back asleep right away. One night I didn't so I chatted with a friend online for an hour or so and then I went back to sleep. It's odd, but it doesn't seem to have a negative effect at the moment so we'll run with it and see what happens.

Outside the snow is melting so I will soon see what the yard here looks like. I can see part of my driveway which is a bonus. I was beginning to wonder if there actually WAS one or if I was just jumping the curb over the snow all the time! lol Tomorrow I will wear my rain boots for the first time. The sidewalks are mostly clear but there is sooo much snowmelt that there are spots that are under 2-3 inches of water. Makes for cold feet! I'm looking forward to fishing and hopefully I'll be doing a lot more camping this year. One of the frustrations I had in my marriage was not being able to do things. We enjoyed doing the same things but with his job and my job the scheduling to do them just never happened. If my son & I went on our own, we were made to feel as if we were deliberately leaving him out. He would complain about it for weeks. So we just never went. I understand that relationships are about compromise and give and take. And I tried to get him involved with us. But for him, work always came first (which is not necessarily a bad is definitely a priority) and he wouldn't ask for time off and never said a word (to my knowledge) about working every weekend and so I really felt trapped. The melting snow is, in a way, melting away those guilt-laden thoughts. I tried. And I do feel it was unfair of him to ask me to give up the things I love to do because he couldn't be bothered to even try to get time off or ask for rotating weekends or something.

This year is all about discovering me again and doing things that make me happy. If I am fortunate enough to get involved with someone again, I hope they will understand that I just can't put my life on hold but I am happy to live it with them. It may take some give and take and that's fine. But hopefully they understand that I will go do things and I will enjoy myself and I won't be made to feel bad about it. Roles reversed, I would be glad they're able to enjoy their time. We'll have our time together.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

**warning - very long post today!** Almost TGIF yesterday...

So much for TGIF…although it did end up well in some ways.

My Friday started off well. I had some concerns about a new friend as I hadn't heard from them in a couple of days and I wasn't sure if it was something I had done or if they just were no longer interested or what. That's how my mind typically works. I am getting a lot better in that area, though and so instead of saying things to myself like he's not interested I wasn't good enough and so on…I reminded myself he has 2 kids plus he works graveyards and I'm almost thinking he's got to be gearing up for his ag spraying business too. And he will get in touch. He has given me no indications otherwise. So I'm showing improvement there. I don't know when this "got to have an answer NAO" frame of mind showed up and quite frankly, I wish it hadn't. With the help of friends, I'm getting it kicked back into place and only letting it out when it is really necessary to know things immediately.

So I woke up at 230 Friday morning wide.freaking.awake. Thankfully, one of my dear friends was online and sent me funny things and sent some advice and hugs my way and around 4 I went back to sleep. I woke up and got ready for a job interview at 10. I think that went rather well. They will be narrowing it down to 2-3 applicants to call back for 2nd interviews plus a phone interview with the regional manager and hope to have the position filled by the end of the month. The hours will mesh nicely with my current job, too. We'll see what happens.

Then I ran the post office where I had a lovely package from another friend. Some really cute tops in there! I went home and let the dog out for a bit while I had lunch and then walked to a friend's house.

And here is where the day went hinky. This friend, L, is one I might through J last summer. J, for those who don't know, is the good-friend-gone-bad that helped me through a very difficult time in my life. As Melli put it, I was trying to do about 17 years of emotional maturity/social maturity in about 4 months' time. Talk about your growing pains! I knew going into this thing with J I was going to get hurt but I am still so very glad I did. He helped to reinforce things that I had kept buried for a long time. He taught me a lot about myself. And then he backslid on things in his life and is no longer someone I want around other than the occasional hello at L's house. I didn't want him knowing I had moved into town. I ESPECIALLY didn't want him knowing exactly where I lived. I haven't seen or heard from him since December and that is fine. I actually still have his tent and his artwork that he asked if he could leave with me in November. They don't take up too much space and I really tend to forget about them.

And he and a friend of his show up at L's house yesterday. It was nice in that I felt nothing. Don't get me wrong; it was good to see him again. Because of what he did for me last summer and fall, he will always hold a place in my heart. He helped my build my personal mantra:

  • I am strong.
  • I am determined.
  • I am sexy.
  • I am passionate.
  • I am brave.
  • I am greater than.

Three of those are from him, 2 are from 2 other friends and 1 is all mine. :-) But he helped me get to the point in my life where I can see that in myself again.

So he asked me, "Did you get moved into town?" I figured that since L hadn't told him anything (she had just reiterated this before they showed up) he was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together: I was at L's house, the van was not, hence I was now within walking distance. He asked if I liked the new place. I said yeah, sure. He asked about his tent, if he had left it at my house. I said yup. He asked if I was still on FB. (I deleted him in January. Or unfriended him. And I'm not searchable.) I said not as much anymore. He said I wasn't on his friends list anymore. I said I had probably done some weeding out (didn't figure he needed to know it was just 1 weed that got pulled). I mentioned I could put him back on if he wanted and he said he would like that. Then he said he was moving to Lincoln, NE. I said cool. He left. Other people came and went. I got up to go to the bathroom around 330 and sat down in the other chair in L's room. I usually sit on the floor in the back away from the various types of smoke and so her grandsons (2 & 4 year olds) can sit on my lap. I mentioned to her, was it me or were Jim & Troy over there earlier just hoping for a freebie? (She is the, er, tobacco dealer, for a lot of people.) And she said oh yes and she's done with that and so on and so on. I jokingly said I shouldn't have admitted to having the tent because it should be my property now after 4 months, right? And she said "And he knows you moved in to town. I even told him where you lived."

And at first I didn't think on it too much as someone else showed up and I moved to the back of her room. And an hour later, in the middle of 2012, a movie I LOVED...I got pissed. And said I had to go home. And I left. THEN, in trying to call another friend to see if I could get a ride, I accidentally called my new gentleman friend. He didn't answer which is fine because I didn't mean to call him (although I am now, the next day, wondering what my subconscious has to say about that). But I realized what I did and sent a text apologizing and saying I don't want to be obtrusive and that I also planned on cutting back on texting him for that same reason.

I got home and asked my sone if he wanted to go to the grocery store and he said no. So I got in the van, called Brittni back as she had called while I was at L's, and just lost it. Instead of going to the store, I drove my "upset/angry route." Bawling to Brittni. And it's not because he's leaving, so much as it is because there is no way the J I met last summer when I needed him the most is ever coming back. That personality is gone and will never return and I can't help him like he helped me. And because L lied to me. AND told him I had moved and where to. And I told Brittni that L was the last friend I have here in this area that I talked to regularly. She said "So you're feeling like a fish out of water again." Which is pretty much exactly it. So I got off the phone with Brittni, cried at the lake a bit, then drove the rest of my angry route. Which happens to go past a car dealer and a cafe. Where I always look at this Dodge Truck I want.

And my new gentleman friend's truck was parked there. Sooo...not 20 minutes after I told him I wasn't going to text him as much I send a text saying: "Buy a girl a drink? She could use the company of someone who hasn't lied to her." And I hit send and I went "What did I just do? Talk about bringing on the drama llama." So I went to the grocery store, got the few things I needed and then went to the video store. Now I'm mad because L lied & broke confidence. AND I'm mad at myself for sending that message to the new gentleman friend and I figured since I had let Little Miss Drama Queen back out for that few bit, it was going to be too much (because it always was with J before, go figure) and I wouldn't hear from him. But he sent me a text back asking who lied to me. I told him the last friend (before I met him) I had, that it was a long story. He said that's ok and after chatting via text for awhile I am starting to let myself believe that I really have nothing to worry about. He is a friend, he is becoming a good friend and I am not nearly as drama llama as previous people would have had me think.

I'm still upset with L. But I still like her and I love those kids. I will still hang out with her and go fishing but the confidences will diminish greatly. That part is sad. But I'll consider it a lesson learned and just because she's not quite as trustworthy as I had thought doesn't mean she's still not a good person to have around and do things with. Her house is a good place for me to go to relax and I do enjoy fishing with her and I do enjoy hanging out with her. So while I am upset about the betrayal of confidence, I'm not going to write her off, either.

I'm done crying now. I'm better. I was upset that I had this poor judge of character going on, but you know...whatever. I have more good friends than a lot of people do and so I am lucky. I am not that bad of a judge of character given the quality of friends I do have.

Oh. And I have a new rule. No more sending text messages when I'm upset without waiting at least 15 minutes. :-) Little Miss Drama Queen tried to regain her throne and it didn't work. I'm learning new coping measures and eventually she will have to give up her crown. Cocky Ass Bitch is still around and comes out when needed. But for now, in some ways I'm feeling like a kid again and learning about the world around me all over again. And I'll take it. With a smile.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Beginning of March

I'm pretty sure there was a February in there somewhere....wasn't there?? Ah well.

I have a feeling I'm going to be very close to goal in May but I'm not going to quite hit it and so skydiving might have to be postponed. We'll see. I'll be amping up my walking this week a bit and adding some strength training again. Add in more snow removal (rather, ice removal!!) off the sidewalks and eating healthier and go from there.

I'm working a bit longer this week as my boss is out of the office. With any luck, the phones will be nice and quiet. hehe Most everyone knows she'll be out of the office and I'm still too new to know as much as they would like so I'm sure they'll call to test my patience and message-taking skills. ha! I'm also picking up more time doing my medical transcription work and looking for another part-time job. Busy busy, that's me. :-) Or that's what I need to do. But not so much so that I can't go fishing and camping this spring summer and fall. :-)

Otherwise nothing new on this front. I managed to get a sinus infection that settled in my lymph nodes instead of my sinuses and so the right side of my face is swollen and looks funny. lol So I'm on eyedrops and antibiotics and can't wear my contacts until it clears up. Bah!!

When will spring get here??