So last night I was home alone and chatting with a friend and just in general letting Little Miss Drama Queen run rampant in my head. This is never a good thing, of course. My cell phone has been really quiet the last few days with a couple of exceptions. And it just kind of got me feeling lonely. Thankfully, Thursday a little BlueMouse listened to me talk for an hour and was really a wonderful ear. She reminded me of many things and just pulled me out of my minifunk. And she's been fun to text back and forth with. I watch my son's phone and it just never seems to stop with the texting from friends and then mine is so quiet most of the time and I just start feeling bad. I can't believe I let an inanimate object make me feel that way. It seems really odd. And it's part of that "instant gratification" thing that seems to be running rampant in the world anymore. I never used to need it and now it seems like I do. I used to work on large craft projects for the craft, not for the feeling of having accomplished something RIGHT NOW. It's almost as if I'm scared life is passing me by and I need to get all this stuff done NOW and I need to hear from my friends NOW because I don't want to miss a moment of them. And with the way-too-early death of my mother and with being the person who receives all the death notices of ALA members across the state, well, it's easy to see how I can start to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Except that I miss out on more when I start to feel sorry for myself.
This friend that listened to me last night is wonderful. We'll call him Breandan. He listens, he gives excellent advice and he's very blunt and to the point when needed. He reminds me of what I already know and helps to reinforce it a bit. I think the main thing he does for me is just lets me be me and say what I need to say and then just gives me the best virtual hugs. I really wish I was closer to him because I like to think we would hang out a lot and just have fun together. His friends sound like they would be fun to meet as well and I kind of feel like I would rather fit in well down there. And what I always come away with when we talk is a sense of self-acceptance. It might take a bit of time for me to really feel it, but he's very good at helping me in that area.
This morning I had to run to the post office to drop some things off in the mail and I decided to just drive around a bit. It's what I do when I'm fretful. Someone once said I was looking for J doing that and that got me thinking this morning. Now, where I drive is pretty rural. The chances of seeing anyone at all, let alone someone you know, are pretty slim. So, while I DO think I'm looking for someone, it's not this new gentleman friend, not J, not a knight in shining armor. I'm searching for myself still. And I hope that I never stop that search. I really do. It's a hard search with a lot of hard work going into it but I think the rewards will be well worth it. I said last night I wish I was half as strong as my friends think I am. And thus reminded myself of my favorite quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure:' “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."
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