Saturday, March 06, 2010

**warning - very long post today!** Almost TGIF yesterday...

So much for TGIF…although it did end up well in some ways.

My Friday started off well. I had some concerns about a new friend as I hadn't heard from them in a couple of days and I wasn't sure if it was something I had done or if they just were no longer interested or what. That's how my mind typically works. I am getting a lot better in that area, though and so instead of saying things to myself like he's not interested I wasn't good enough and so on…I reminded myself he has 2 kids plus he works graveyards and I'm almost thinking he's got to be gearing up for his ag spraying business too. And he will get in touch. He has given me no indications otherwise. So I'm showing improvement there. I don't know when this "got to have an answer NAO" frame of mind showed up and quite frankly, I wish it hadn't. With the help of friends, I'm getting it kicked back into place and only letting it out when it is really necessary to know things immediately.

So I woke up at 230 Friday morning wide.freaking.awake. Thankfully, one of my dear friends was online and sent me funny things and sent some advice and hugs my way and around 4 I went back to sleep. I woke up and got ready for a job interview at 10. I think that went rather well. They will be narrowing it down to 2-3 applicants to call back for 2nd interviews plus a phone interview with the regional manager and hope to have the position filled by the end of the month. The hours will mesh nicely with my current job, too. We'll see what happens.

Then I ran the post office where I had a lovely package from another friend. Some really cute tops in there! I went home and let the dog out for a bit while I had lunch and then walked to a friend's house.

And here is where the day went hinky. This friend, L, is one I might through J last summer. J, for those who don't know, is the good-friend-gone-bad that helped me through a very difficult time in my life. As Melli put it, I was trying to do about 17 years of emotional maturity/social maturity in about 4 months' time. Talk about your growing pains! I knew going into this thing with J I was going to get hurt but I am still so very glad I did. He helped to reinforce things that I had kept buried for a long time. He taught me a lot about myself. And then he backslid on things in his life and is no longer someone I want around other than the occasional hello at L's house. I didn't want him knowing I had moved into town. I ESPECIALLY didn't want him knowing exactly where I lived. I haven't seen or heard from him since December and that is fine. I actually still have his tent and his artwork that he asked if he could leave with me in November. They don't take up too much space and I really tend to forget about them.

And he and a friend of his show up at L's house yesterday. It was nice in that I felt nothing. Don't get me wrong; it was good to see him again. Because of what he did for me last summer and fall, he will always hold a place in my heart. He helped my build my personal mantra:

  • I am strong.
  • I am determined.
  • I am sexy.
  • I am passionate.
  • I am brave.
  • I am greater than.

Three of those are from him, 2 are from 2 other friends and 1 is all mine. :-) But he helped me get to the point in my life where I can see that in myself again.

So he asked me, "Did you get moved into town?" I figured that since L hadn't told him anything (she had just reiterated this before they showed up) he was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together: I was at L's house, the van was not, hence I was now within walking distance. He asked if I liked the new place. I said yeah, sure. He asked about his tent, if he had left it at my house. I said yup. He asked if I was still on FB. (I deleted him in January. Or unfriended him. And I'm not searchable.) I said not as much anymore. He said I wasn't on his friends list anymore. I said I had probably done some weeding out (didn't figure he needed to know it was just 1 weed that got pulled). I mentioned I could put him back on if he wanted and he said he would like that. Then he said he was moving to Lincoln, NE. I said cool. He left. Other people came and went. I got up to go to the bathroom around 330 and sat down in the other chair in L's room. I usually sit on the floor in the back away from the various types of smoke and so her grandsons (2 & 4 year olds) can sit on my lap. I mentioned to her, was it me or were Jim & Troy over there earlier just hoping for a freebie? (She is the, er, tobacco dealer, for a lot of people.) And she said oh yes and she's done with that and so on and so on. I jokingly said I shouldn't have admitted to having the tent because it should be my property now after 4 months, right? And she said "And he knows you moved in to town. I even told him where you lived."

And at first I didn't think on it too much as someone else showed up and I moved to the back of her room. And an hour later, in the middle of 2012, a movie I LOVED...I got pissed. And said I had to go home. And I left. THEN, in trying to call another friend to see if I could get a ride, I accidentally called my new gentleman friend. He didn't answer which is fine because I didn't mean to call him (although I am now, the next day, wondering what my subconscious has to say about that). But I realized what I did and sent a text apologizing and saying I don't want to be obtrusive and that I also planned on cutting back on texting him for that same reason.

I got home and asked my sone if he wanted to go to the grocery store and he said no. So I got in the van, called Brittni back as she had called while I was at L's, and just lost it. Instead of going to the store, I drove my "upset/angry route." Bawling to Brittni. And it's not because he's leaving, so much as it is because there is no way the J I met last summer when I needed him the most is ever coming back. That personality is gone and will never return and I can't help him like he helped me. And because L lied to me. AND told him I had moved and where to. And I told Brittni that L was the last friend I have here in this area that I talked to regularly. She said "So you're feeling like a fish out of water again." Which is pretty much exactly it. So I got off the phone with Brittni, cried at the lake a bit, then drove the rest of my angry route. Which happens to go past a car dealer and a cafe. Where I always look at this Dodge Truck I want.

And my new gentleman friend's truck was parked there. Sooo...not 20 minutes after I told him I wasn't going to text him as much I send a text saying: "Buy a girl a drink? She could use the company of someone who hasn't lied to her." And I hit send and I went "What did I just do? Talk about bringing on the drama llama." So I went to the grocery store, got the few things I needed and then went to the video store. Now I'm mad because L lied & broke confidence. AND I'm mad at myself for sending that message to the new gentleman friend and I figured since I had let Little Miss Drama Queen back out for that few bit, it was going to be too much (because it always was with J before, go figure) and I wouldn't hear from him. But he sent me a text back asking who lied to me. I told him the last friend (before I met him) I had, that it was a long story. He said that's ok and after chatting via text for awhile I am starting to let myself believe that I really have nothing to worry about. He is a friend, he is becoming a good friend and I am not nearly as drama llama as previous people would have had me think.

I'm still upset with L. But I still like her and I love those kids. I will still hang out with her and go fishing but the confidences will diminish greatly. That part is sad. But I'll consider it a lesson learned and just because she's not quite as trustworthy as I had thought doesn't mean she's still not a good person to have around and do things with. Her house is a good place for me to go to relax and I do enjoy fishing with her and I do enjoy hanging out with her. So while I am upset about the betrayal of confidence, I'm not going to write her off, either.

I'm done crying now. I'm better. I was upset that I had this poor judge of character going on, but you know...whatever. I have more good friends than a lot of people do and so I am lucky. I am not that bad of a judge of character given the quality of friends I do have.

Oh. And I have a new rule. No more sending text messages when I'm upset without waiting at least 15 minutes. :-) Little Miss Drama Queen tried to regain her throne and it didn't work. I'm learning new coping measures and eventually she will have to give up her crown. Cocky Ass Bitch is still around and comes out when needed. But for now, in some ways I'm feeling like a kid again and learning about the world around me all over again. And I'll take it. With a smile.


Halcyon said...

Heather, this is BlueMouse. I want you to know that I read this and I feel bad for you and wish I could be your friend next door, but even though I'm not physically there, I'm thinking of you and praying for you. And I am SO impressed with your strength of will. I know things are hard, but you just keep kicking ass and taking names! :o)

HeatherOutsideBOS said...


(Sorry, I'm more supportive than I am eloquent.)