Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Yes...I've been absent. So sorry. And this month is NaNo. And I just read an article by a woman LAMBASTING NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writer's Month). She is someone who clearly doesn't understand it so in her opinion it's wrong, it's stupid, it's a waste of time. The article is here and she really does strike me as a hateful person. Well, spiteful.

And so I would like you to read this wonderful comment. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I have tried NaNo for 4 years previously and have yet to hit 50,000 words. But every year I get better and every year I get closer. More importantly, every year I have a good time seeing how far I can push myself and cheering on my friends that are participating with me.

This Laura Miller person? Can kiss my patootie.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Tuesday's Talking

Oh happy day!

I just returned from the doctor’s office and I couldn’t be happier. On a scale of, I believe 0-18; my depression level went from a 12 to a 2 in 3 weeks. She was impressed. Also, my blood pressure, which normally runs 133-136/85-90, was 118/60! Yay! She does think that this is a situational depression given all the changes that have happened over the past year and feels that in a few months, once everything else has sorted out, we can look at tapering the dose and eventually weaning off the citalopram (generic Celexa.) I go back in 2 weeks for another recheck.

I have an interview for a 911-dispatch position at the local police department on the 19th. This would be part-time, in addition to my ALA job. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Being able to pay all the bills would be a huge weight off my shoulders, for sure and for certain! I think it would be a fun job along with a challenging one. It’s also within walking distance of the house, another bonus.

The weather here has been beautiful the last few days. I’m enjoying sitting on the front porch with the breeze wafting through the window. One of my bedroom windows opens to the porch and has no screen so I’ve started leaving it open so the cats can go in and out and enjoy it as well. We do have plenty of wind today, though! My brother must be talking up a storm, haha.

On the crafty front, lots going on. I finished up 4 reverse mitered squares (knit) and got those mailed off. I have 3 bobble squares (crocheted) done for another group project and 3 daisy squares (crocheted) also done for yet another group project. And now I’m done with group projects and don’t know what to do! lol (And those that know me can attest to the fact that I never have nothing to do..always a half-dozen projects going!) I’m actually almost done with my Ithacowl (knit) with all it’s little unique traits (read: mistakes!) and my socks are really coming along well. They also will have little unique traits, hehe. I am amazed at how quickly they’re working up and, really, how easy they are so far. Of course, I’m only at the cuff at the moment. I’ve not yet gotten to the heel, gusset and toe! If you hear screams of frustration you’ll know where I’m at! I’ve brought out my Cabled Heather Wrap (crocheted) to work on again as well. For a bit here I’m going to focus on projects for “me.” Which may or may not include knitting a Grumpysaurus for each of my nephews just because. (So Jodi, if you’re reading this, any thoughts on colors for a stuffed Grumpysaur?)

My weight loss is progressing slowly, steadily and surely and I am good with that. The doctor and nurse both commented on it today. The nurse asked what I was doing and so I told her it’s all about eating less and moving more. It really is, too. I have the same things for breakfast, morning snack and lunch during the week. Afternoon snack and supper depend on what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Some nights it’s just a big batch of popcorn. Sometimes it’s a full-course meal. Walking to work and the post office 4 days a week helps a lot. That’s 25 minutes a day. And a lot of days I take the dog to the lake and we walk around it twice which adds up to 2 miles, roughly. Just little changes I’ve made over the last few months that have really added up (49 pounds’ worth as of yesterday!). It’s funny how some people just don’t understand that that is all I am doing. They can’t believe it’s that “easy.” They’re, of course, hoping for a magic button to push and so far I haven’t found that. Nor do I want to. I have more energy than I have had in a long time. That whole law of motion thing – a body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. It’s all about movement!!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Short blog today but just had to put in that I sorted through 2 boxes of clothes marked 20# and 20-30# (for pounds lost) and only 1/2 of one box goes back! I literally "gave" myself a new wardrobe today! Of course, I have to sort through my closet again as I've not quite got enough room for all these But I am really proud of myself. I'm starting to take pride in how I look again which is just great for me. Such a huge step forward.

I did have another "attack" of sorts this past weekend. I went to Mitchell with a friend, "Elle," and we bought stuff for her kitchen and her jonboat and then went to Culvers. Where I had their walleye. Deep fat fried. After having pizza the night before. Did I mention deep fat fried? Like grease sitting in the plate deep fat fried? And so I should have figured I'd end up in the ER again. I didn't eat all of it, but enough to set me off. Hopefully when I go see my doctor next week she sees the need (finally!) to get my gall bladder ultrasounded and possibly a HIDA scan as this time my lipase (I think) levels were up which means my pancreas was becoming involved. Kind of scary but an easy fix is to just take the gall bladder out.

I'm still walking to the post office and work and back again 4 times a week. That's a good 30 minutes each day. I've also taken to driving to the lake (can't walk by the river anymore until the flooding is down) and taking walks on a "U" path as you can't walk around it due to the flooding. So it ends up being almost 2 miles walked instead of just 1. And this is a problem how? ;-) The dog enjoys the walks although she's still having issues with other dogs. We had been approached by aggressive ones so many times walking through town I just don't think this will pass. Maybe I need to call Cesar Millan! lol

I'm still searching for that elusive 2nd job. I no longer have internet at home but can use wifi at the library and can access email at work. Hopefully something comes up soon. I did break down and turn the heat back on today as I was really cold sitting in the house. Can't wait until it gets nicer out again!!

Otherwise things are well. I started my first pair of knit socks on the 1st and that's all I've done with them. I may tinker with them a bit again today. They're on double-pointed needles and that will take some getting used to. I also have 2 more daisy squares to make and 3 bobble squares, both for group projects. No shortage of things to do in my spare time!

Thanks for reading!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Saturday's Thoughts

Well, before I do too much thinking, hehe, here are pictures of the river from Wednesday. It is a really nice walk, ends up being about 2.5 miles (per my pedometer) to go down there and back and the dog really seems to enjoy it. These pictures were taken from the same spot as the ones I posted Wednesday. I'll possibly/probably go back this afternoon since the walk will do me good physically and emotionally/mentally.

So last night I was home alone and chatting with a friend and just in general letting Little Miss Drama Queen run rampant in my head. This is never a good thing, of course. My cell phone has been really quiet the last few days with a couple of exceptions. And it just kind of got me feeling lonely. Thankfully, Thursday a little BlueMouse listened to me talk for an hour and was really a wonderful ear. She reminded me of many things and just pulled me out of my minifunk. And she's been fun to text back and forth with. I watch my son's phone and it just never seems to stop with the texting from friends and then mine is so quiet most of the time and I just start feeling bad. I can't believe I let an inanimate object make me feel that way. It seems really odd. And it's part of that "instant gratification" thing that seems to be running rampant in the world anymore. I never used to need it and now it seems like I do. I used to work on large craft projects for the craft, not for the feeling of having accomplished something RIGHT NOW. It's almost as if I'm scared life is passing me by and I need to get all this stuff done NOW and I need to hear from my friends NOW because I don't want to miss a moment of them. And with the way-too-early death of my mother and with being the person who receives all the death notices of ALA members across the state, well, it's easy to see how I can start to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Except that I miss out on more when I start to feel sorry for myself.

This friend that listened to me last night is wonderful. We'll call him Breandan. He listens, he gives excellent advice and he's very blunt and to the point when needed. He reminds me of what I already know and helps to reinforce it a bit. I think the main thing he does for me is just lets me be me and say what I need to say and then just gives me the best virtual hugs. I really wish I was closer to him because I like to think we would hang out a lot and just have fun together. His friends sound like they would be fun to meet as well and I kind of feel like I would rather fit in well down there. And what I always come away with when we talk is a sense of self-acceptance. It might take a bit of time for me to really feel it, but he's very good at helping me in that area.

This morning I had to run to the post office to drop some things off in the mail and I decided to just drive around a bit. It's what I do when I'm fretful. Someone once said I was looking for J doing that and that got me thinking this morning. Now, where I drive is pretty rural. The chances of seeing anyone at all, let alone someone you know, are pretty slim. So, while I DO think I'm looking for someone, it's not this new gentleman friend, not J, not a knight in shining armor. I'm searching for myself still. And I hope that I never stop that search. I really do. It's a hard search with a lot of hard work going into it but I think the rewards will be well worth it. I said last night I wish I was half as strong as my friends think I am. And thus reminded myself of my favorite quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure:' “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

WIP Wednesday and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Works in progress Wednesday - :-) We'll see if I can manage to do this weekly.

#1 WIP is me, of course. Mentally I'm doing really well. Positive thoughts are taking over negative ones which is always good. This week is a tough one physically, though. I just can't seem to be anything less than tired. For pete's sake yesterday I was watching "The Tommyknockers" and chatting with a friend online and just about fell asleep in my chair. But come time for bed, it's like all my senses are out of whack. It's not even like my brain is going into overdrive overthinking things, either. I'm just...awake. No real thoughts or issues. Just not sleeping. I've started just sitting and kind of rocking myself for a bit to see if that helps and it does seem to. So maybe I need to spend some quite time in my rocking chair before I go to bed.

#2 WIP is another Lil Sunhat. I started this Sunday afternoon and I'm modifying the pattern a bit on the brim to accomodate not using thread for the trim. It will be done by the end of the week.

#3 WIP is still the afghan. I didn't quite get it done. Should get it done this weekend, though. No recent pictures.

#4 WIP is the reverse mitered squares. As you can see, by the 3rd one I was getting much better. The first 2 (in yellow/pink) are definitely starter squares! lol I will finish the 4th one on the needles and do 2 more in the yarn sitting up top and get those sent off. These are being done with a group of friends out of sock yarn and one of us (or two of us) will be stitching these squares together to make a baby blanket. I can't wait to see the final product!!

#5 WIP are daisy afghan squares. These are also part of a group project for a friend moving and getting married. This is one of three that I will do.

And, for anyone curious - I went back to the river Monday afternoon and this is what I found:

I'll probably walk down there again today. It's a decent walk and the dog enjoys it, too.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

'Tis the weekend

This is the river at normal stages.

This is now. And we're not even done melting and through the rainy season yet.

On the upside, Kidlet and I took the dog on what amounted to a 2.5-mile walk. We went the post office where he held her while I got the mail and then down to the river. I knew it would be up a bit but I really wasn't expecting it to be up this much already. The goofy dog wanted to check it out and I think she thought she could walk in a couple steps and get her feet wet and call it good. Except that where we were is the top of an embankment when the river is at normal levels so that wasn't happening. Silly girl. (She was on her leash and harness so please don't chew me out - she was completely safe.) It's funny that I am colder now than I was while we were walking. I think it's about 38F out and I just had a hoody on. Now I'm in the house and I want to put the hoody back on!! Ah well. It was a nice walk and I'll probably take her again tomorrow, skipping the post office.

On a projects note - I'm allllmost done with this afghan. I will probably finish it tonight while watching Beowulf. I've got 1 more reverse mitered square done and so will be down to 2 of those left in another color. I have a sunhat to make for a relative of my SIL's. They've paid me to do it. I have to modify the pattern just a smidge as I won't be doing the thread edging. Until I get some ergo hooks thread and I just won't be working together for a bit. The afghan and the sunhat I'm going to try to meet my commitment of being done by the end of the month. Because...April 1 I have committed to casting on my first pair of hand-knit socks. With this yarn:

I'm a bit nervous as I've never worked with double-pointed needles and they look very intimidating! LOL But rumor has it I'll pick it up quickly. We'll see.

I'm better today than I was. I think there's another minor mental shift going on in regards to new friends and life and so on. It's all good and it's all a learning process. I just sometimes feel frustrated that I don't already know this stuff! :-)

Thanks for reading!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Another week - another emotional upset

I wish I could figure my head out. I really do. It's like I try to self-sabotage myself.

Quick revamp of the last year - decided Jan. 2009 I was going to file for divorce once I had a slush fund saved up. Lost job. February - decided while on trip to Hills to see family would file anyway and let finances take care of themselves. March - Spousal unit became deathly ill before I could talk to him about this. April - Get motivated to do my medical transcription work from home & earn enough to pay bills, even though it takes almost 10 weeks to get paid from this contract. Consider giving spousal unit another chance. Until finding pot & paycheck stubs in coat when emptying pockets before washing it and realize he'd been lying about his wages. For months. May - talk to him and we agree for a pro se divorce but won't file until he's medically cleared to go back to work and I have found a new place to live. He paid for the house, he deserves it. June - meet a new friend and learn to open up and talk. July - file for divorce, MIL and SIL get involved, turn things nasty and spousal unit up and moves out. MT work dries up.
August - Lean heavily on new friend, meet more friends of theirs, learn that spousal unit has actually been lying for the entire 3 years we lived here. Begin rebuilding inner self. Start job at Wal-Mart. September - realize, in court, filled out paperwork wrong and have to wait 1 more month for divorce to be final. October - divorce is final, quit Wal-Mart start working at the ALA Dept. Headquarters.

In that time, I've had two inner voices - Little Miss Drama Queen (LMDQ) who likes to blow things out of proportion, try to insist I'm not worth new friends, meeting new men will never work for me, I'll never dig myself out of this hole I'm in and just in general turns me into a sobbing mess while rebuilding walls around myself so I don't let people in again. Cocky Ass Bitch thinks she's the "be all and end all" and everyone should be glad to have the chance to meet her. I'm coming to terms with these inner voices. They each have their own time and place.

There is a new voice though, that says "This one is worth waiting for. Be patient." I don't know who it is. I think I know who they're referring to and the situation. But it is a calm voice. A Zen voice. And with the exception of the last few days? It's been kicking LMDQ's ass and then some. Clearly, this is a voice I need to listen to and let speak more.

I am finding I still have a lot of emotional maturing to do. This past week, LMDQ has been in full swing. Why? Because my friends aren't available when I want them to be (not to be confused with when they HAVE been available this week and have let me cry on their shoulders!) and because I've become ensconced in this "instant gratification" crap and so when I don't hear back from certain people I just start freaking out and think that there is something wrong with me. Never mind the fact that just the night before we may have had wonderful conversations and have been told that I can contact them anytime. Or that they respond to my forum posts almost immediately in one of my groups. Or when they're on Yahoo they let me cry and give me love and advice. Or via text message. Or on the phone.

Apparently I am still needing to learn to become emotionally independent to an extent. I also need to work on letting my friends BE my friends and not feel bad. As one says, I let her stay for a week or better on my couch to help her out. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I need help from them? And to take that help gratefully and without guilt? I think it's partly because I've been trying for years to prove to everyone that I am a capable adult and I can do things on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. I know that I need to prove to myself I can do things on my own, but part of being on your own includes having friends to talk to and letting them BE your friend.

So when I text them for hours one night, I don't need to feel bad the next day. Clearly, this is a good friend who is willing to listen and cheer you up. They may not have time to see you right now, but that does not make them any less a friend and it does not mean they don't care.

When I see their status as "Go.Away" on Yahoo and they still talk to me? Take it. Enjoy it. Be grateful.

When they fake-study to listen to me (although I'm sure she will also use this for research you!), be grateful.

When they call you and listen and don't complain that they never get to grateful.

When they read your long blog post (and comment if that is the case) grateful.

I am surrounded by friends. I may not be able to touch them and hug them like I would like. But they are here, nonetheless. And for that, I am grateful.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Personality Profile

Here are my test results...

Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.

Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Emotional Stability is low indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

A Day of Reflections

So it's been a weekend. Friday night was not pretty for me emotionally. Last night my son decided to be a teenager and push my buttons. (Hard to believe, I know. haha) What he did wasn't such a bad thing, just another petty annoyance and it caught me at a bad time. So this morning we talked and we're setting ground rules that will give him a little more freedom. He has a lot of friends and he should be able to see them. He doesn't need to be cooped up in the house just because I suck at meeting new people and making new friends. :-) BUT there are also now consequences in place and in writing so it will be easier for the scatter-brained side of me to follow through.

This morning I'm looking at these things and reflecting on how I would have reacted a year ago. It would not have been pretty. We'll leave it at that. I think I'm really coming along in managing my stress levels and my reactions. I'm letting go of what I can't control and not fretting over things as much. When that "fret nag" starts to try to talk her way into my head again I speak over her, reminding myself of the positive things. "You've not heard from this friend, they don't want to talk to you." No....I've not heard from them because they have a life and it does not revolve around me. BUT they like me, they like fishing with me, they like talking to me, they think I'm their emotional rock when they need someone to talk to and so on. A year ago that fretful nag would have completely overwhelmed me and I would have fallen into a funk and just been miserable. Today I'm able to look back on things and go okay, this is what could have been handled a bit better, this is what you handled well. No negative self-talk.

On the health side of things, this is also adding up. I've had less headaches, less muscle aches. I'm not tracking what I eat like I probably should be but I am still being more conscious of what I eat. I'm paying more attention to what my body is telling me and so I'm not over eating either. A pair of my grubby jeans can now be taken off without having to unbutton/unzip them which was a pleasant surprise this morning. I'm waking up feeling rested, even though I have been waking up once or twice during the night for a couple nights. No reason and I usually fall back asleep right away. One night I didn't so I chatted with a friend online for an hour or so and then I went back to sleep. It's odd, but it doesn't seem to have a negative effect at the moment so we'll run with it and see what happens.

Outside the snow is melting so I will soon see what the yard here looks like. I can see part of my driveway which is a bonus. I was beginning to wonder if there actually WAS one or if I was just jumping the curb over the snow all the time! lol Tomorrow I will wear my rain boots for the first time. The sidewalks are mostly clear but there is sooo much snowmelt that there are spots that are under 2-3 inches of water. Makes for cold feet! I'm looking forward to fishing and hopefully I'll be doing a lot more camping this year. One of the frustrations I had in my marriage was not being able to do things. We enjoyed doing the same things but with his job and my job the scheduling to do them just never happened. If my son & I went on our own, we were made to feel as if we were deliberately leaving him out. He would complain about it for weeks. So we just never went. I understand that relationships are about compromise and give and take. And I tried to get him involved with us. But for him, work always came first (which is not necessarily a bad is definitely a priority) and he wouldn't ask for time off and never said a word (to my knowledge) about working every weekend and so I really felt trapped. The melting snow is, in a way, melting away those guilt-laden thoughts. I tried. And I do feel it was unfair of him to ask me to give up the things I love to do because he couldn't be bothered to even try to get time off or ask for rotating weekends or something.

This year is all about discovering me again and doing things that make me happy. If I am fortunate enough to get involved with someone again, I hope they will understand that I just can't put my life on hold but I am happy to live it with them. It may take some give and take and that's fine. But hopefully they understand that I will go do things and I will enjoy myself and I won't be made to feel bad about it. Roles reversed, I would be glad they're able to enjoy their time. We'll have our time together.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

**warning - very long post today!** Almost TGIF yesterday...

So much for TGIF…although it did end up well in some ways.

My Friday started off well. I had some concerns about a new friend as I hadn't heard from them in a couple of days and I wasn't sure if it was something I had done or if they just were no longer interested or what. That's how my mind typically works. I am getting a lot better in that area, though and so instead of saying things to myself like he's not interested I wasn't good enough and so on…I reminded myself he has 2 kids plus he works graveyards and I'm almost thinking he's got to be gearing up for his ag spraying business too. And he will get in touch. He has given me no indications otherwise. So I'm showing improvement there. I don't know when this "got to have an answer NAO" frame of mind showed up and quite frankly, I wish it hadn't. With the help of friends, I'm getting it kicked back into place and only letting it out when it is really necessary to know things immediately.

So I woke up at 230 Friday morning wide.freaking.awake. Thankfully, one of my dear friends was online and sent me funny things and sent some advice and hugs my way and around 4 I went back to sleep. I woke up and got ready for a job interview at 10. I think that went rather well. They will be narrowing it down to 2-3 applicants to call back for 2nd interviews plus a phone interview with the regional manager and hope to have the position filled by the end of the month. The hours will mesh nicely with my current job, too. We'll see what happens.

Then I ran the post office where I had a lovely package from another friend. Some really cute tops in there! I went home and let the dog out for a bit while I had lunch and then walked to a friend's house.

And here is where the day went hinky. This friend, L, is one I might through J last summer. J, for those who don't know, is the good-friend-gone-bad that helped me through a very difficult time in my life. As Melli put it, I was trying to do about 17 years of emotional maturity/social maturity in about 4 months' time. Talk about your growing pains! I knew going into this thing with J I was going to get hurt but I am still so very glad I did. He helped to reinforce things that I had kept buried for a long time. He taught me a lot about myself. And then he backslid on things in his life and is no longer someone I want around other than the occasional hello at L's house. I didn't want him knowing I had moved into town. I ESPECIALLY didn't want him knowing exactly where I lived. I haven't seen or heard from him since December and that is fine. I actually still have his tent and his artwork that he asked if he could leave with me in November. They don't take up too much space and I really tend to forget about them.

And he and a friend of his show up at L's house yesterday. It was nice in that I felt nothing. Don't get me wrong; it was good to see him again. Because of what he did for me last summer and fall, he will always hold a place in my heart. He helped my build my personal mantra:

  • I am strong.
  • I am determined.
  • I am sexy.
  • I am passionate.
  • I am brave.
  • I am greater than.

Three of those are from him, 2 are from 2 other friends and 1 is all mine. :-) But he helped me get to the point in my life where I can see that in myself again.

So he asked me, "Did you get moved into town?" I figured that since L hadn't told him anything (she had just reiterated this before they showed up) he was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together: I was at L's house, the van was not, hence I was now within walking distance. He asked if I liked the new place. I said yeah, sure. He asked about his tent, if he had left it at my house. I said yup. He asked if I was still on FB. (I deleted him in January. Or unfriended him. And I'm not searchable.) I said not as much anymore. He said I wasn't on his friends list anymore. I said I had probably done some weeding out (didn't figure he needed to know it was just 1 weed that got pulled). I mentioned I could put him back on if he wanted and he said he would like that. Then he said he was moving to Lincoln, NE. I said cool. He left. Other people came and went. I got up to go to the bathroom around 330 and sat down in the other chair in L's room. I usually sit on the floor in the back away from the various types of smoke and so her grandsons (2 & 4 year olds) can sit on my lap. I mentioned to her, was it me or were Jim & Troy over there earlier just hoping for a freebie? (She is the, er, tobacco dealer, for a lot of people.) And she said oh yes and she's done with that and so on and so on. I jokingly said I shouldn't have admitted to having the tent because it should be my property now after 4 months, right? And she said "And he knows you moved in to town. I even told him where you lived."

And at first I didn't think on it too much as someone else showed up and I moved to the back of her room. And an hour later, in the middle of 2012, a movie I LOVED...I got pissed. And said I had to go home. And I left. THEN, in trying to call another friend to see if I could get a ride, I accidentally called my new gentleman friend. He didn't answer which is fine because I didn't mean to call him (although I am now, the next day, wondering what my subconscious has to say about that). But I realized what I did and sent a text apologizing and saying I don't want to be obtrusive and that I also planned on cutting back on texting him for that same reason.

I got home and asked my sone if he wanted to go to the grocery store and he said no. So I got in the van, called Brittni back as she had called while I was at L's, and just lost it. Instead of going to the store, I drove my "upset/angry route." Bawling to Brittni. And it's not because he's leaving, so much as it is because there is no way the J I met last summer when I needed him the most is ever coming back. That personality is gone and will never return and I can't help him like he helped me. And because L lied to me. AND told him I had moved and where to. And I told Brittni that L was the last friend I have here in this area that I talked to regularly. She said "So you're feeling like a fish out of water again." Which is pretty much exactly it. So I got off the phone with Brittni, cried at the lake a bit, then drove the rest of my angry route. Which happens to go past a car dealer and a cafe. Where I always look at this Dodge Truck I want.

And my new gentleman friend's truck was parked there. Sooo...not 20 minutes after I told him I wasn't going to text him as much I send a text saying: "Buy a girl a drink? She could use the company of someone who hasn't lied to her." And I hit send and I went "What did I just do? Talk about bringing on the drama llama." So I went to the grocery store, got the few things I needed and then went to the video store. Now I'm mad because L lied & broke confidence. AND I'm mad at myself for sending that message to the new gentleman friend and I figured since I had let Little Miss Drama Queen back out for that few bit, it was going to be too much (because it always was with J before, go figure) and I wouldn't hear from him. But he sent me a text back asking who lied to me. I told him the last friend (before I met him) I had, that it was a long story. He said that's ok and after chatting via text for awhile I am starting to let myself believe that I really have nothing to worry about. He is a friend, he is becoming a good friend and I am not nearly as drama llama as previous people would have had me think.

I'm still upset with L. But I still like her and I love those kids. I will still hang out with her and go fishing but the confidences will diminish greatly. That part is sad. But I'll consider it a lesson learned and just because she's not quite as trustworthy as I had thought doesn't mean she's still not a good person to have around and do things with. Her house is a good place for me to go to relax and I do enjoy fishing with her and I do enjoy hanging out with her. So while I am upset about the betrayal of confidence, I'm not going to write her off, either.

I'm done crying now. I'm better. I was upset that I had this poor judge of character going on, but you know...whatever. I have more good friends than a lot of people do and so I am lucky. I am not that bad of a judge of character given the quality of friends I do have.

Oh. And I have a new rule. No more sending text messages when I'm upset without waiting at least 15 minutes. :-) Little Miss Drama Queen tried to regain her throne and it didn't work. I'm learning new coping measures and eventually she will have to give up her crown. Cocky Ass Bitch is still around and comes out when needed. But for now, in some ways I'm feeling like a kid again and learning about the world around me all over again. And I'll take it. With a smile.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Beginning of March

I'm pretty sure there was a February in there somewhere....wasn't there?? Ah well.

I have a feeling I'm going to be very close to goal in May but I'm not going to quite hit it and so skydiving might have to be postponed. We'll see. I'll be amping up my walking this week a bit and adding some strength training again. Add in more snow removal (rather, ice removal!!) off the sidewalks and eating healthier and go from there.

I'm working a bit longer this week as my boss is out of the office. With any luck, the phones will be nice and quiet. hehe Most everyone knows she'll be out of the office and I'm still too new to know as much as they would like so I'm sure they'll call to test my patience and message-taking skills. ha! I'm also picking up more time doing my medical transcription work and looking for another part-time job. Busy busy, that's me. :-) Or that's what I need to do. But not so much so that I can't go fishing and camping this spring summer and fall. :-)

Otherwise nothing new on this front. I managed to get a sinus infection that settled in my lymph nodes instead of my sinuses and so the right side of my face is swollen and looks funny. lol So I'm on eyedrops and antibiotics and can't wear my contacts until it clears up. Bah!!

When will spring get here??

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Today's "Why I Wanted To Kill My Child" post...

Well, not literally, of course.

He did a fairish job of cleaning the sidewalks. Still some work to be done but there's still 2-3" of solid freaking ice that not even my bricking hammer will break, so it will take some time. He's been good about helping around the house lately. He asked if he could go to visit his girlfriend (she stays with her Nana here in town most weekends). I said yes, text me when you get there and you may stay for 1 hour and text me when you are leaving. He got there at 336.

445 no text that he has left. I send him a blank text. No reply. I send a "??" text. No reply. I call. Twice. No answer. I send a "?!?!?!" I get a "Woah we fell asleep in front of the fireplace, sorry" text. I said you better get your ass home. He said he was leaving. 10 minutes later (and it only takes 15 to walk there) I get a "Can I stay for supper?" text. I reply NO. "Why?" Because you are STILL there 10 minutes AFTER you said you were leaving. "Please, Mom. I'll bake those cookies and they will be all for you and I'll make you whatever you want for supper." I'm pretty angry at this point and I told him "OK but ONLY because it will give me time to cool down and NOT kill you when you come home." To which I will give him credit for texting back to clarify I meant yes. This was about 615 I think. At 715 I sent a text when he was planning on coming home. He replied he was almost done eating. At 818 I sent again "when are you planning on coming home?" No reply. Blank text. No reply. 835 at this point. I try calling. First time rings the standard million times before it went to the "unavailable message" (no voicemail). I must have called repeatedly for 5-10 minutes, always going to that unavailable message after the 2nd or 1st ring. Now I'm beyond livid at this point. At 850 he walks in the freaking door. His phone had begun to act up so he couldn't send a text (and it was acting flakey when he showed me). But he immediately cops an attitude and does the "oh drama fine you're pissed and saying never again so I'll just break up with my girlfriend and I'm so stupid and I'm feeling worthless" shit.

All of which I IMMEDIATELY called bullshit on. Yes, I said never again but you know that I never follow through because that's just too mean. No way did I say break up with her. No where did I say you were stupid. FURTHERMORE - You are not stupid. You sometimes act/speak without thinking but that's kind of par for the course of being a teen. And if I thought you were worthless, I wouldn't care that you were ignoring me/not answering. I wouldn't be worried about you. I wouldn't be wondering if, since it's now dark out, you'd been hit by a car on the way home. But you are grounded until some of this lost ground in trust has been regained.

Kids. Gotta love 'em. Right? :-)

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ............"WOW--What a Ride!!!"
--Author unknown

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Stinkin' Snow


OK, so it really is beautiful snow. I'm just tired of it. And the cold. Can we do something about the cold please? Ah well.

I did find out that the house did not sell after all. I am seriously ticked off about this, but what can you do? They did have another showing earlier this week so who knows what the future will bring? I don't feel that the realtors were working in my best interest but I have such limited knowledge of real estate law I'm not sure. The whole experience has left me jaded against owning a home again, however.

I am still walking to work 4 days a week, although this week I did drive yesterday due to air temps being 13 below zero and I wanted to get groceries after work anyway. I'll make up for it Saturday by walking to the post office (my usual route is home - work - post office - home for a total of 14 blocks).

The dog is having some difficulties with the changes and so she has a bit of an upset digestive system. Yuck. But she'll get settled soon enough. Part of it is having to mix dog foods and she just doesn't agree with some of the less expensive brands. But this too shall pass. Poor girl. In the meantime she's so disappointed in herself.

Last night we tried avocado-goatcheese-peppered bacon sandwiches with creamy tomato basil soup and it was really good! Not something I could eat a lot of, but it was nummy!! I'm going to try to get back to logging what I eat (since I realized I was not getting in enough calories) and my exercise and see how it goes.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Moved and mostly settled...

For the record, it is entirely possible for a 17-year-old boy and his 35-year-old mother to move an entire house on their own. Including a large corner desk (that comes apart but is a HUGE pain) and the piano. We did have some help that day, however.

January 16th we went to look at a house that was being vacated that weekend. Monday I agreed to clean it in exchange for part of the deposit. I explained my situation: House sold, closing date was the 29th, I was unable to rehome my pets and could not fathom putting them out in the cold and worst of all, no money.

This landlord, oh my. He let me clean in exchange for part of the deposit, as I said. He is also keeping the water in his name until I can get the $100 deposit to switch it over into my name (and, of course, I will reimburse them the billing in the meantime). And when I had to tell them the closing has been pushed off, they were fine with it (he and his wife) since I paid the full February rent.

So we started off just coming in daily and cleaning and leaving a few boxes. Then we moved in air mattresses and such on the 25th, leaving the cats at the old house. We originally planned on renting a UHaul on that day, but the weather was nasty cold so we pushed it off to the 27th. THEN I got an email from the Realtor saying that financing is being tricky due to the repairs needed, could we please push closing to February 19th. is $500, house payment is $300, I make $603 net. That ain't going to happen! I told him at the LATEST the 12th, preferably the 5th. As of today, we still have not closed and we may not. The appraisal, done on the 2nd, shows that with the repairs, it will appraise at $30,000. The buyer needs roughly $5000 more than that to complete the repairs. So if he can't come up with a "gift" of $5,000 or the bank can't come up with another financing option, the sale is off. Almost a full week after closing. Nice, yes? I *might* be okay as I filed my taxes and hopefully that return will hit on Friday...we'll see. Not holding my breath, though.

Anyway...because I knew closing wouldn't happen until the 5th at the earliest, I pushed off the Uhaul again to the 30th. But it was going to be out-of-state and even though they offered me a 26-foot at the same rate as the 17-foot I had requested, I ended up rescheduling and moving it all on the 28th. What a pickle that turned into!! (BTW, the 17-foot truck barely barely fit, no way a 26-footer would have!!)

So, I excused my son again from school and we picked the truck up at 730. I have to admit, I loved driving it. I really think I might become a truck driver after my son graduates! lol We got down there and there was just no way I could get the truck backed up to the front door without it getting stuck. (Did I mention we got a lot of snow in all this as well!) So I backed it up to the back door. And we tried to move the piano. Not happening. The right rear caster is seized which makes it harder yet to move. And I just could not justify hurting ourselves to go down 3 steps. I became distraught thinking that, after 25 years, I was going to have to give it up. I sent out a text to my friends and one who lives in another state managed to pull off a miracle. She called a friend with a tractor who agreed to see if he could come after dinner to clear out the driveway for me. (He and his family were moving cattle that day, so no promises but I was grateful even for the thought!!) Well, turns out he couldn't so he called up a friend who came and did it! My son and I still had to push it across some ice on the front porch which naturally crushed under the weight, but we got that piano loaded!!

We loaded up the rest of the truck, get to the new house, and lo I can't get a good approach to the front door for the piano. Cue wonderful #2. I called my boss who had offered up her son's help and he was nice enough to come over and help. We had to take it across the ramp, make a 45-degree turn and go up one stair to get it in. He not only helped (and it took all 3 of us!!) with the piano, he helped with everything else as well!! I am feeling very blessed right now.

In all this, I lost 8 pounds as of Friday (official weigh-in is tomorrow). I'm wearing jeans I didn't think I'd be in. I'm 26 pounds away from skydiving!! And I've undergone a serious mental shift about myself.

The previous tenants here left some clothes behind in the basement. Leopard print satin caught my eye and it turns out there were 3 nightgowns in my size...a leopardprint one, a black one and an amethyst one. After following some methods for ensuring no "critters" were attached (sealed in plastic, left to freeze for a few nights, then washed in hot water), I tried them on. Not only do they fit, they look WONDERFUL on me!! I caught myself thinking I looked good a couple of times in those. But I also feel a lot more...well, I'm VERY proud of what my son and I have accomplished with moving. And that I have come almost all the way through this rough patch. I also tend to think more positively than I used to. Yes, things are rough yet with the sale of the house, but they'll work out. So far something has worked out for me whenever I've needed it.

I'm smiling a lot more. I'm even making eye contact with strangers (read: handsome gentlemen) more than usual. One of the nicest things about my new home is that I can walk 3-1/2 blocks to work, 4 blocks to the post office and home again - almost a mile and a half every day! I plan on getting a pair of rain boots to wear as well. I have a rain coat and I might get an umbrella. Mine has gotten lost somewhere.

While people have been telling me for a long time now that I am attractive, smart, strong and that I will get through is now sinking in and taking effect. THAT is the profound mental change that I've made these past few weeks - I do believe my high school inner cocky ass bitch is here to stay.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Feeling overwhelmed.

So today was a day of trying to get stuff done and feeling overwhelmed. Now, all I wanted/needed to get done today was digging out the trailer and the front porch and burning cardboard. Simple enough, right?

Except that there is about a 6 foot snowpile in front of the trailer. (No complaints, because it was from 2 people being nice enough to clear my driveway for me and I am VERY grateful for that!) I need to clear about a 5 foot wide space is all. And I got a good start on it, I did. I just feel like I should have gotten more done. (It's around 6 feet tall and maybe...5 feet deep? I'm not even sure.) I got about 3 feet by 2 feet cleared. Then I thought I would attack the front porch for a bit. Surely that will be easier and thus give me a sense of satisfaction, right? Well, you can now walk up 2 of the 3 steps (bottom one is still buried) and to the door. Can't open the door. Oh, and you can't get from the driveway to the steps yet because of the snow. You can, but it's a pain. And I really want at least to be able to get the door open and get the piano out the front door. And some of the wider furniture (couch, chairs, etc.).

Soooo.....while my son and I did get the burning I wanted to get done done, and I did get some snow clearing done, I just felt very inadequate to the task of moving without help. I do have a friend who graciously offered to help me move when she is up here for a few days and I may take her up on that. We'll see.

My biggest concern is getting stuff out of the house. With all the snow drifts, it's going to be really difficult to not use the front door. If I can somehow manage a UHaul, I can back up close enough that the ramp would extend to the front porch and that would make things much, much easier. And with the time closing in (19 days now to closing), it may be I need to load it all up over 1 weekend and move it. Scary!!

I'm also trying not to leave any bills behind, but I'm so far behind on water it's not even funny. The electric will be covered by LIEAP once they get my application processed. Again, pah on me for waiting to turn it in. I figured I'd have been moved way before this. But, will the electric company let me switch if it hasn't been paid yet? I dunno. I'll find out, I guess.

So now I'm trying to focus on what I DID get accomplished:
1. I got a good chunk of snowpile moved.
2. Son and I got all the burning of cardboard done.
3. I got a good start on the front porch.
4. I got towels washed.
5. I've looked at options for renting a truck.

That snowpile is a lot for 1-2 people to move with snowshovels. We'll keep pegging away at it this week, though. The forecast is for mid-20s to 30s so we can peg away a little at a time. The front porch still has 2 feet of snow on it in some areas, so the same thing there. I won't push myself because if I hurt myself...well, then I'm really screwed. :-)

The next challenge is, believe it or not, finding a place yet! The landlady's last chance is tomorrow to either give me 5 minutes of her time to give me what I need to know (availability date, deposit, rent, etc.), give me that info on the duplex that is/was open, or to watch me start calling others. I like this house, it's cute on the outside. The location is perfect. But. I have 19 days. **19 days** THAT is scaring the bejeebers out of me.

And then, as always, the finance side of it. That's just going to have to work itself out somehow. I will have around $1000 after the sale of the house, but I need it before then, in actuality. So we'll have to see what happens there. More phone calls.

I know it will all work out. Today I let the situation get the upper hand and I let it get to me. BUT it has not knocked me down. Until I am sleeping in the minivan, I am doing just fine. And my boss won't let that happen. She's already offered the 2 rooms upstairs if necessary. I will just hope it doesn't become necessary. :-)

Friday, January 01, 2010

2010 - The Year The Good Comes Back Again

emoticon emoticon emoticon

Wow, it is so hard to believe I haven't posted in 2 months. While I never make resolutions, I do hope I can fix that a bit and post more often.

2009 was a rough year. Not only for me, but for the entire world it seems like. But it ended with some positive changes. My house sold and I only had to come down 6% from the listing price. We close January 29 and so I have a lot of work to do this month. I have been talking to a landlady and hopefully can get moved into a house or a duplex she has available soon. She is okay with the critters which is a bonus. The hard part is coming up with the money for deposit etc etc but we'll see how things go.

I am still working for the ALA and really enjoying it. I do need to find something else as part-time just doesn't cut it. But I will find something else part-time for now because I really enjoy working for her and I am nowhere near ready to give that up! I do still do some transcription from time to time and am hoping to build that up considerably this year.

No word on the car incident so we're going with "no news is good news." Hopefully he was able to bring his grades up to passing so he can graduate on time. He's been really good these past few months as far as limited attitude and stepping up to the plate around the house.

As for me, it's been interesting. I learned a lot about myself this past year and went through a lot more than I thought I could and still come out smiling. That is not to say I'm not still struggling with my emotions and mental well-being. But I am struggling less, if that makes sense? I've developed more of a "let it ride" attitude and I am definitely fretting less. I made some new friends and found I can survive finding out one of those new friends can go from being the best thing to happen to me to being an absolute (censored). I guess I never will understand how people can do that. The hard part is that this person is really intertwined with another friend I made and so I am struggling mightily to separate the two. Ultimately, I'm not sure I'll be able to, but time will tell. It always does. *smile*

Things I learned in 2009:

**Cooking over a campfire.
**Catfish fishing.

**Using a spinning reel vs a casting reel.
**How to clean a fish.

**How to knit.

**That I can really make Christmas gifts for 7 people and birthday gifts for 2 and spend less than $20 all told busing what I have in my craft stash.

**That the holidays are about family and no one cared that I didn't have gifts for all the little ones.

**That it really is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

**That it is perfectly okay to have a good cry when you need to. Not only that, but it is normal.

**That I am awesome and I am full of win.

**That I am passionate.

Things I will work on in 2010:

**More knitting, gaining more skills.

**Learning to tat.

**Work on that learning Norwegian!

**More downtime, away from phones and computers.

**Working on myself, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

**Try to see the extended family more often.

**Continue to declutter my life. Not only material items, but people and other negativity.

Things already in motion that put 2010 off to a good start:

**I'm moving to a new home.

**I have a wonderful job I enjoy.

**I have made new friends who are a positive influence.

**I have long-term friends who tell it like it is and then let me cry when I realize they're right.

**I'm going skydiving for my birthday!!

I'm going to close this with an email I got awhile back:

Recently I overheard a Father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the Father said, 'I love you, and I wish you enough.'

The daughter replied, 'Dad, our life together has been more than enough. Your love is all I ever needed. I wish you enough, too, Dad.'

They kissed and the daughter left. The Father walked over to the window where I was seated. Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry. I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, 'Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?'

'Yes, I have,' I replied. 'Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?'.

'I am old, and she lives so far away. I have challenges ahead and the reality is - the next trip back will be for my funeral,' he said.

'When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, 'I wish you enough.' May I ask what that means?'

He began to smile. 'That's a wish that has been handed down from other generations. My parents used to say it to everyone..' He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. 'When we said, 'I wish you enough,' we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.' Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good- bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

emoticonTo all my friends and loved ones...I wish you enough.