I wish I could figure my head out. I really do. It's like I try to self-sabotage myself.
Quick revamp of the last year - decided Jan. 2009 I was going to file for divorce once I had a slush fund saved up. Lost job. February - decided while on trip to Hills to see family would file anyway and let finances take care of themselves. March - Spousal unit became deathly ill before I could talk to him about this. April - Get motivated to do my medical transcription work from home & earn enough to pay bills, even though it takes almost 10 weeks to get paid from this contract. Consider giving spousal unit another chance. Until finding pot & paycheck stubs in coat when emptying pockets before washing it and realize he'd been lying about his wages. For months. May - talk to him and we agree for a pro se divorce but won't file until he's medically cleared to go back to work and I have found a new place to live. He paid for the house, he deserves it. June - meet a new friend and learn to open up and talk. July - file for divorce, MIL and SIL get involved, turn things nasty and spousal unit up and moves out. MT work dries up.
August - Lean heavily on new friend, meet more friends of theirs, learn that spousal unit has actually been lying for the entire 3 years we lived here. Begin rebuilding inner self. Start job at Wal-Mart. September - realize, in court, filled out paperwork wrong and have to wait 1 more month for divorce to be final. October - divorce is final, quit Wal-Mart start working at the ALA Dept. Headquarters.
In that time, I've had two inner voices - Little Miss Drama Queen (LMDQ) who likes to blow things out of proportion, try to insist I'm not worth new friends, meeting new men will never work for me, I'll never dig myself out of this hole I'm in and just in general turns me into a sobbing mess while rebuilding walls around myself so I don't let people in again. Cocky Ass Bitch thinks she's the "be all and end all" and everyone should be glad to have the chance to meet her. I'm coming to terms with these inner voices. They each have their own time and place.
There is a new voice though, that says "This one is worth waiting for. Be patient." I don't know who it is. I think I know who they're referring to and the situation. But it is a calm voice. A Zen voice. And with the exception of the last few days? It's been kicking LMDQ's ass and then some. Clearly, this is a voice I need to listen to and let speak more.
I am finding I still have a lot of emotional maturing to do. This past week, LMDQ has been in full swing. Why? Because my friends aren't available when I want them to be (not to be confused with when they HAVE been available this week and have let me cry on their shoulders!) and because I've become ensconced in this "instant gratification" crap and so when I don't hear back from certain people I just start freaking out and think that there is something wrong with me. Never mind the fact that just the night before we may have had wonderful conversations and have been told that I can contact them anytime. Or that they respond to my forum posts almost immediately in one of my groups. Or when they're on Yahoo they let me cry and give me love and advice. Or via text message. Or on the phone.
Apparently I am still needing to learn to become emotionally independent to an extent. I also need to work on letting my friends BE my friends and not feel bad. As one says, I let her stay for a week or better on my couch to help her out. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I need help from them? And to take that help gratefully and without guilt? I think it's partly because I've been trying for years to prove to everyone that I am a capable adult and I can do things on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. I know that I need to prove to myself I can do things on my own, but part of being on your own includes having friends to talk to and letting them BE your friend.
So when I text them for hours one night, I don't need to feel bad the next day. Clearly, this is a good friend who is willing to listen and cheer you up. They may not have time to see you right now, but that does not make them any less a friend and it does not mean they don't care.
When I see their status as "Go.Away" on Yahoo and they still talk to me? Take it. Enjoy it. Be grateful.
When they fake-study to listen to me (although I'm sure she will also use this for research purposes...love you!), be grateful.
When they call you and listen and don't complain that they never get to talk....be grateful.
When they read your long blog post (and comment if that is the case)....be grateful.
I am surrounded by friends. I may not be able to touch them and hug them like I would like. But they are here, nonetheless. And for that, I am grateful.