A bit of a funk

Well...I'm in a bit of a funk. You know that feeling that you've lost something before you even got the chance to have it? I'm going through that right now.

I've been having problems with my DH for several months now, almost 1 year. I to this day am still not sure why I married him. I really think it was the thought of being married that I was marrying, not him, if that makes sense?? I also think if I had met him living alone instead of with his mother helping her keep her house, I probably would have known more then, and probably would not have continued dating him, let alone marrying him.

I have not yet given him the ultimatum. I still do not have job. I had an interview that I think went well, but is dependent on my credit. I had filed for bankruptcy in 2005, and then things have been added since then due to the whole situation with my DH. We'll see what happens. I have not heard back on any other applications/resumes, which is disheartening.

To add a little more to my poor, already deranged mental status...I developed a crush on one of the main investigators on one of my favorite shows. Nowhere could I find his marital status, so I foolishly let myself daydream about meeting him and blah blah blah. Well, I found out yesterday that he is, in fact, married. I don't know why it upset me so much, but it did. I think it falls under the "losing something before you even had a chance at it" category. It also pretty much reinforces that I should never have married my DH. He was not the right one.

On my myspace page, under people I want to meet, I put "my soulmate, that one person I cannot live without." It seems like a funny thing to say when one is married, but what is sad is that I could live without him. I would miss him. He's not a "bad" person, not an "evil" person. Just not a "compatible" one. This week has reinforced that in how he and my DS have been getting along, and how he has reacted when I try to explain to him why my DS reacted the way he did. There is very little respect flowing between those 2, and it's very sad.

So I'm in a bit of a funk. I've got this opportunity I feel I missed out on, even though I have never actually met the guy, and even though he's married, and seeing the places he's been able to go through that TV show just reminds me of how much I wanted to do in my life, and how little is going to actually get done. It doesn't help that I watched "The Bucket List" this weekend (VERY good movie!! but it really does make you think...) and then Bernie Mac died at age 50. I never knew him, but he was a very funny guy. He was also only 4 years younger than my mother when she passed away unexpectedly. Everything is kind of combining to make me wonder how short my life is ultimately going to be.

Two questions asked by the keepers of Heaven, per Egyptian legend, that you must answer correctly before you are allowed in:

1. Did you find joy in your life?
2. Did you bring joy to someone else's life?

I have found joy in most of my life. I have a wonderful son, great pets, good friends. But I also know I am missing out on so much...

As for number 2....no. Plain and simple, no.

~~Heather