What happened?

Wow - it's been a long time.

In 2013 I was going to walk 2,013 miles and make 12 hats in 12 months. Neither got accomplished.

What did happen was in 2013 he started to build Gertie, my spinning wheel and she was completed in March of 2014. Her full name is Gertrude, which is my grandmother's middle name. She was always working, with a huge garden, flower beds, running the farm still, family history, writing her own story. Both my grandmothers were workhorses and Gertrude fit the bill, Gertie for short. MyHoney looked at plans that are fairly popular for a "$7.00 spinning wheel." He didn't like them. And he has some valid points, the main one of which is if he's going to build me a tool, it's going to last. And this is the result:



I don't know the spin ratio, but I want to say it's 32:1? That is a recycled bicycle rim, with a bicycle wheel hub, and the bearings for the spindle are also bicycle bearings. (He's been in the bicycle industry since 1979 and as of this posting works for the largest bicycle shop in Ohio. So yes, it had to be done!) The spindle? Well, that was going to be tricky. The bearings are metric and dowels are hard to find. But I remembered having a lot of Mom's knitting needles and a few didn't have a partner. Sure enough, one was the perfect size so I have memories of Mom along with my grandparents every time I spin.

Since our first fiber fest in 2012 I've accumulated a small herd of drop spindles. The most recent of which are 3D printed!



The 2 in the top picture are mini Turkish spindles; the purple and white one is mine, the tan and green one is MyHoney's. The bottom picture is a bottom-whorl with a triquetra whorl. The really cool part I didn't know until a couple weeks later is that the white pieces? GLOW IN THE DARK. I'll work on a picture... These came from TurtleMade and they were a treat to talk to at the Great Lakes Fiber Festival this year!

Health-wise there was a rough few months in 2013. We were celebrating MyHoney's birthday and I wasn't feeling very well. Chalked it up to Red Lobster for lunch and the yummy biscuits. Except by supper time I wasn't feeling better. And by midnight I was in bed with waves of pain - if I hadn't already had a hysterectomy I would've wondered if they weren't labor pains. At that point, he took me to the ER figuring it was a gall bladder attack. It wasn't. I had a huge ovarian cyst, 6 inches by 6.9 inches. By the time I went in for surgery, it was over 7.8 inches by 7.8 inches - they literally couldn't open up my abdomen to get an accurate measurement. Thankfully, it was just a cyst gone wild - with some minor complications it was removed as was my gall bladder. MyHoney was a dear and spent every night in that crappy hospital recliner for me! I've gained a fair bit of weight since then which is something I need to re-address. Frustrating, but I'm still alive and healthy so we'll take it! As a result, I am getting some aches and pains so definitely will need addressing.

I did go back to school for a Holistic Health Professional diploma program. I'm not able to complete the program before our next journey but I am a Holistic Health Practitioner now. Under that umbrella, I am a Reiki Master Practitioner, Energetic Systems Integration Practitioner, Associate Polarity Practitioner, Relaxation Massage Technician (pending licensing with the state), Holistic Health Advisor, Earth Energy Master, and Medical Intuitive. I've got a business website but I'll try to get descriptions up next week. There are some modalities I'll be adding as time goes by, such as Herbals, Aromatherapy (and not the MLM that's so prevalent - true Aromatherapy training and certification by NAHA), and working with crystals. I'm also looking at Sound Therapy, Trigger Point Therapy, and possibly Biocranial Sacral - but for now, I'm focusing on the business with what I have!

The next journey will happen in 2016 - we are doing another Big Move, this time to the Pacific Northwest! Amazingly, we'll be 2 hours closer to the Black Hills, and the more I read/watch about the area, the more excited I become! As such, a lot of the courses required to receive that diploma are actually quite useless outside of Ohio and so it would have been a waste of money. But the ones I really wanted to take and completed will be such a benefit to my friends and family, and soon, clientele. Keep an eye out for updates on this journey!!

Hiking in January??

Yup! I did a 2.4-mile hike in roughly 90 minutes which was pretty impressive considering the number of times I stopped to take pictures (or to catch my breath!).

I decided to risk parts of the trail being flooded and went to the Chuckery Area of the Cascade Valley South Park , set my MapMyRun and off I went. The first thing I saw, once I got past the Signal Tree, was this guy:

Cute little bugger, isn't he?


One of the things I was amazed by the most was how iridescent everything seemed to be. The snow was mostly gone -- only spots along the river and some icy spots as well. I thought it was so neat and pretty -- and then I realized it was my sunglasses. Polarized sunglasses make things very shiny, apparently!


This is the start of the hill....according to MapMyRun I had a 259 foot ascent overall. This was the first half!

And the second half, looking back down:

To rest, or not to rest?

(Yes, I rested. Long enough to take that picture looking back!!)



It really was a beautiful day for a hike with lots of birds out and lots of squirrels! The neatest for me, though, was a pair of woodpeckers. Only got a picture of the one, though.

I wish I knew what these were -- I think there must have been some type of plant or mill years ago. There were three of these and what looks like an old flume:

Getting to the last leg and down the stairs we go!

They look a lot steeper from the bottom and I was very grateful for the handrailing!

The river was simply amazing. Moreso, I think, because I know that Native Americans and settlers originally would CANOE down this river! In the springtime, that had to been nerve-wracking!!

The last bit of the hike was past a couple of picnic areas and then just when I thought I could go no farther...I was back where I started: The Signal Tree.

The river used to run much closer to the tree than it does now and Native Americans and later, settlers, would use this tree as a marker to get out of the river and portage 8 miles to Summit Lake.


It was definitely a beautiful day and while I'm on a slow start to my 2,013 miles in 2013 (2.4 miles so far) - I'm on my way. I was very over-dressed in a long-sleeved tshirt, hoodie and jeans and definitely appreciated my water bottle back in the car! I miss the days when you could drink from a stream or river and not worry about what toxins or bacteria might make you sick. I remember, as a kid, drinking out of the stream in the field across from our house all the time as well as rivulets along the hike to Harney Peak. Now? Forget it. It's a sad commentary on modern life, I think.


As for my other goals - I haven't picked up my paintbrush yet, either. I do have 1 hat of my 12 done -- It is the Michelle Hat from Kate Jackson Knits. I LOVE the pattern and the yarn -- SpaceCadet Creations Astrid purchased at Knitting On the Square and then silk ribbon accent to make it scrunchy. I look forward to making several more of these.

I'm working on a modified pattern for my next hat. The basis of the pattern is Twisted Rib Hat -- but I'm using the cable pattern from 808th Fingerless Mittens pattern (listed as Fingerless Mittens on the page) for the rib and then, after doing the math for the decreases, will use the crown shaping from the Twisted Rib Hat at the end.


Here's to more lovely days!!

The end of 2012...on to new beginnings!

Well. It seems we all survived the apocalypse. Or, it happened and the government is covering it up.

I'm looking back over 2012, as I'm sure many people are, and I'm wondering what I've accomplished, what I should have done different, and how I've changed.

I've accomplished a lot, actually. Small things but they add up just the same. Just as too many small things can overwhelm us negatively, we really should look at the small accomplishments too and let the positive overwhelm us.

--I've learned several new knitting techniques. This opens up many more possibilities for my craft.

--I've learned more about how I interact with people. This frees me to be me and know what I am and am not capable of and most importantly, to be okay with this.

--I've learned that mentally I can be objective about things and that I still need to work on that externally. Case in point is my job. I love the job. I really like the majority of my coworkers. I love the company. The benefits are respectable. BUT. I took a net $260 a month loss to work there under the impression a raise to a more livable wage would occur when I was hired on from the temp agency. The $250 I saved on auto parts? Does not make up the $1300 net loss on income over 5 months. As of today I still have not had the review & raise I was promised when I was hired on July 29th. And so I have to objectively look at this and make the best decision financially so we can thrive instead of survive--and unfortunately having a good work team does not keep the electricity turned on.

--I've learned too that I need to focus on me a lot more and this job does not allow that. After working 9-1/2 hour days, it's hard to come home, cook, clean, workout, and relax. Having Wednesdays off just does not make up for it.

--I'm remembering what I've done in the past to make things work when it comes to leading a healthier lifestyle and I've dug those tools back out and am preparing to put them to use again.

--I am so blessed for the friends I have. Doc, HunniBear, Miss Kitty and EmeraldWytch have been such a huge blessing this past year. They've really helped me cope and learn to cope. And all my other friends, too. Though we don't all always talk as much as we would like, I am still blessed to have you in my life.

--And of course, family. I didn't get to see any of my family this year and that really hurt. It falls along the lines of that net loss up above, though. There just wasn't enough money to travel and some members of my family I just know I'm on borrowed time now. This Christmas may have been my last chance to see them.

For 2013 I have some selfish goals. Okay, so really I have two goals. And lots of little tidbits.

Goal 1: Knit 12 hats for myself. I have them picked out and the patterns in order in a file folder. I will be printing a poster on which to hang a picture of each hat as it is finished. I'm doing this because I always find my knitting ladies so adorable when they wear their knit hats and berets and tams and thought why not?

Goal 2: Walk/bike/hike/run 2013 miles. For some, this is easy. It is only 5 miles a day, after all. But I'm back to not being able to walk up a flight of stairs easily again and so this will be a very good map to health.

For the little things:

Using my Richard Simmons Food Mover again. Try the recipes that I loved and work with Doc to create new ones.

Learning to read Tarot cards. They've intrigued me for decades. I printed off a course back when B&N offered online classes. It's time.

Take time every day for me. Meditation, journaling, whatever.

Create one piece of art daily. To this end, my brother was awesome enough to get me a watercolor lesson a day calendar--I can't believe he remembered!

Ultimately, by the end of 2013 I want to have a nice emergency fund and be working from home nearly full time and part time as a "bread and butter." I want to have my Etsy shop established and would love to be a part of next year's Crafty Mart.



2013. The year of Me.

Memories...

I am strong.
I am determined.
I am sexy.
I am passionate.
I am brave.
I am greater than.

So - I clicked on a random post of mine from 2010. Well, not exactly random. The title caught my eye: "**warning! very long post!!** It was almost TGIF..."

It was from a day that started off really well, went sharply downhill emotionally, and ended on a neutral-to-positive note with what I took away from it. As I read a few others from roughly that time period - I realize how far emotionally I have come. How strong I really am. And I'm glad I found that mantra above back. I think it's time to print it and hang it up to remind myself every day that I am all of those things.

As I go back over a few more older posts I'm amazed at quite a few things:

My creativity.
My willingness to share.
My acknowledgement of what I knew and know are my "trouble areas."

But mostly - with how far I've come in a few short years. And that gives me a lot of hope for the future.

Happy Saturday

Back after a long absence!! Moved to another state - son moved to yet another state. lol Today's blog:

Well - yesterday turned out to be interesting. I knew we would be going out to The Winking Lizard for dinner and drinks as a friend was having her birthday dinner there. I planned on one thing in my food planner but when we got there - well, they had a Mardi Gras menu and the Spicy “N’awlins” Flatbread Pizza just called my name. No side, just a nommy flatbread pizza. MyHoney and I also split a New Years Paddle - samples of 4 beers:

GLBC Edmund Fitzgerald Draft - Robust Porter (USA) 5.8% ABV
Complex, roasty aroma with a bitter sweet, chocolate-coffee taste

Breckenridge Vanilla Porter Draft - Porter (USA) 4.7% ABV
Big aroma and flavor of vanilla with chocolate and roasted nut

Stone Smoked Porter Draft - Porter (USA) 5.9% ABV
Chocolate and coffee character with a light smokiness

Alltech Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale - Strong Ale (USA) 8.2% ABV
Full of vanilla, wood and bourbon aromas and flavors from 6 weeks of lagering in freshly decanted bourbon barrels.

The best was, by and large, the Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale. The aroma was pure joy and the taste was fantastic. My second favorite was the Vanilla Porter while MyHoney's was the Edmund Fitzgerald. Funnily enough, my third favorite was the Edmund and his was the Vanilla! And we both agreed that of the 4 we liked the Stone Smoked Porter the least.

I was very pleased, once I added in all the ingredients, to find I stayed on the lower end of my calories for the day. And for the taste? WOW. Too bad it's a limited time menu item!

Overall - I had a pretty good week. I stayed on track calorie-wise and did manage to hit the skier twice. I'm not doing the arm part of the skier - just trying to get the legs coordinated! I may get brave and ask MyHoney to give me some pointers. I am now officially looking forward to spring and getting a bicycle again. He's an avid cyclist with no problems riding 12 miles to work. And he has the calves to show for it. Very muscular and he happens to look mighty fine in his kilt!!

This next week will be continued focus on tracking my calories and getting in a bit more exercise. I know that eventually I need to break my diet soda addiction - and for all who say to drink coffee or tea or other caffeinated beverages - it's not that easy. One - coffee and I have a love/hate relationship. I love the smell - it hates my stomach. And it's not the caffeine. It's the artificial sweetener, aspartame. But - when I'm ready to give it up, it will come as naturally and easily (yes, easily for me!) as quitting smoking 19 years ago.

On to the next week!!

June Update

Well -- I won't even look at how long it's been since I posted. Too long, I know.

For those who don't know -- I've moved to Ohio with my boyfriend, who moved from California to South Dakota first. Poor lad -- that's 2,800 miles in a smidge over 2 months!!

The move was as smooth as can be expected when I'm involved. We got a late start by a day due to issues getting paychecks cashed to have the money orders for the new apartment and then finding out that the insurance company I had chosen doesn't phrase the policy the way the leasing company prefers. Nothing like last minute issues! I would have known this earlier had I called to ensure they received my fax the week before. But I did find an insurance provider so all is good there. (The documents have to list the apartment complex as co-insured, not as an additional interested party. Very few companies list it that way as it can also be taken as the leasing company also residing in the house. Weird, but it's all good now.)

We had wonderful traveling weather the first day (Saturday) with a nice tail wind. We were going to attempt to get there by Sunday prior to 5pm as the office would be closed for Memorial Day. 1,100 miles. Should be do-able, yes? Yes.

We got a bit over half-way and as it was around 1am we decided an hour nap would be a good thing. (We had left around 3pm and had been up since 8am.) I couldn't sleep, so I let MyHoney have a nap, woke him up and we were off. Well....not 20 minutes later I was getting tired enough to be in the danger zone and so we pulled over into a small truck stop (almost more of a gas station) and slept for close to 4 hours, if I remember correctly.

We got off to a good start...until the storms caught up to us. At that point, the roads were so wet that MyHoney's car was unable to maintain traction so we pulled into another rest area. It wasn't raining anymore at this point but it was time for a good stretch. And we no sooner got into the building when the heavens let loose. It was difficult seeing the van from the building. This was the same storm system that spawned tornadoes in Chicago. We spent well over an hour at this rest area (Three Rivers, IL if I remember correctly) and at this point realized there was simply no way we could make it by Sunday before the office closed.

MyHoney's car was struggling at 65 mph so we dropped it down to 55 mph and it did much better. The cat was traveling well beside me. I had her in a medium dog crate with water and a small litter pan. We pulled into Olympia Plains to get her some cat food as it was obviously going to take longer than planned. I had contacted a friend here in our new town to ask if the offer of a sofabed was still open so we knew we had a place to sleep our first night.

The next stop, still in Olympia Plains, was McDonalds for a quick bite. He then noticed the passenger rear tire on his car -- with the nice long gouge in it with steel poking through. We also found out that Sam's Club there doesn't stock those tires as they're a performance tire. Thankfully, with the financial help of family and a tire store that had the tires in stock, a mere 2-1/2 hours later we were on the way. Again.

We drove until probably 10pm or so and then we found a nice Pilot truck stop next to a large creek. We parked there with the agreement we would sleep as long as the first person who woke up. That person would then wake the other one up. I let Fuzzy (the cat) out of the crate and she slept in a little hole in the boxes behind my head. This truck stop was really nice and I felt very safe there. When we went in in the morning it was like walking into a nice hotel lobby. I had no problems paying a bit of a premium gas price (the only time I've ever paid over $4 a gallon at this point in my life!) for the comfort and convenience.

We drove until mid-afternoon and Fuzzy had begged to be out of the crate again so she was again behind my head. Looking in the review mirror, I could see she was much more comfortable up there. We stopped for our last lunch break at a lovely rest area and I picked her up to put her back in her crate for the break. Only to find her back half wet. She had apparently tried to get her litter pan but she was so big and it was so small, she ended up missing and getting the blankets in the crate instead. We pulled a towel out of MyHoney's car and I took her into the restroom for a quick bath. At first she was very content to rest in the nice, cool sink. Then the water turned on (automatic faucets). She jumped a bit, then decided it wasn't worth the effort. hehe She stuck it out for a short bath then I wrapped her up in the towel and took her outside to dry off while we ate (she was in a harness and on a leash). My left foot was beginning to swell so we rested there a bit while I put it up. Fuzzy took the time to explore as far as the leash would let her which I felt was a good sign as to how well she would ultimately adapt. Then it was back on the road with her now established in the hideyhole on the towel.

We got to Fairlawn, OH and stopped to pick up a change of clothes for us (as alhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifl of ours were packed in the trailer under the tarp!!) and then new supplies (litterbox, food/water bowls) for Fuzzy. From there, we drove past the new apartment complex and then managed to get to our friend's house. To be asked if we would be upset if they had rented us a motel room for the night so we could stretch out without their 3 downstairs cats pestering us and Fuzzy. So SpouseofFriend took us to the hotel where we each enjoyed a nice, long shower and Fuzzy was free to explore the room. We went back to their home for a wonderful chicken dinner followed by great conversation until midnight!! (Sorry, SpouseofFriend, for keeping you up so late!)

The next morning we left the van at the hotel, took Fuzzy with, and got the keys to the apartment. More of a townhome, almost! It's a 2-level 2-bedroom apartment (floor plan can be seen here). We have the bedroom on the main floor with a nice private balcony and a lovely view:



The bedroom downstairs we plan on using as a workspace for his sewing and eventually my jewelry making. The storage room has the washer/dryer hookups and we'll rent a washer from the apartment complex for awhile. We're also renting a garage nearby for his car & my trailer. Our building is what is called the "forgotten building" as it's tucked back behind 2 other buildings and has more of the adults/small families rather than the college kids. And so far, I have no complaints of any of the neighbors.

I'm working as a Kelly Services temp driving 30 miles a day right now for a long-term assignment while looking for something closer. MyHoney is still looking as well as working on making new contacts to pick up his sewing business again and start a joint venture among 3 of us: Him, myself and a mutual friend. All in good time but we have very hopeful plans for the future.

The more I drive around the more I really like the area. I am hoping for a very enjoyable time here in Ohio.

What on earth happened to January??

I swear, I looked at my calendar and it was just barely the beginning of January. And now it's already February? Time to get my flail on!!

For what, exactly, am I flailing? Well...I'm making a huge change in my life. My son is 18 and is no longer in school I'm no longer required to keep tabs on him (although it's hard not to) and I've always said once he turns 18 I'm living my life for me. So the beginning of May I am moving to Ohio!!

But here's the caveat -- I'm only taking what will fit in my minivan and the 4x8 trailer I have. That means no furniture is going with. I'll take my airmattress and bedframe, my camping chair, my folding table and chairs, the toybox I got as a young 'un that Dad made and is my blanket chest, and the Barbie dollhouse Dad and Uncle Russell made for me when I was a young 'un. I am wanting a clean start and that is what I am doing.

It's scary and exciting. It's guilt-wrenching and relieving. I feel so bad moving even farther away from my Dad and my brother and his family. I feel guilty leaving my son. I'm also really looking forward to this. I have so many friends in OH already, courtesy of Ravelry. It's just amazing how people you meet online and then in person as they travel can be just as comfortable as meeting family. There are better job opportunities for me there, as well.

And it's just time for me. Time for me to explore. Time for me to continue learning about myself.

And time to start purging myself of the past, so to speak. I'm already sorting and culling what I want to take with. Priorities, of course. Two cats, slow cooker, roaster, marble pastry roller, wine glasses, glass food storage, books, yarn, blankets, fishing stuff...what else? Oh, yes. Clothes. ;-) The people in Ohio might appreciate that.

I took on a second job to help add to the moving fund. I work at a hotel at the front desk and oddly, I really enjoy it. Between that and my other job, I work anywhere from 44 to 60 hours a week. Which means my eating habits have dropped back into the quick-and-easy-but-not-necessarily-healthy category. I've regained some weight and need to get refocused on that a bit. If only healthy food tasted like chocolate, yes?

My son is looking forward to my moving. What teenager would't be? But he's also apprehensive a bit and we've been talking things over about different options he will have to pay bills and such. His best friend has already laid claim to my room, which I find amusing. He is really enjoying his job at McDonalds but is also thinking things through as to what he wants to do with his life. He has a good head on his shoulders and he has what he needs to make the right choices. Hopefully he doesn't let himself get swayed too much by his peers...

This all sounds kind of crazy and sudden for me...but it's been in the works in my head for a long time. And things are falling together for it nicely. Some One is watching out for me and guiding me down this path. I'm looking forward to seeing where it leads.

And to enjoy my life. I was reminded today at work...


Sometimes, tomorrow never comes....

New Beginnings

So, I'm done with my training at my second job and so I can resume my regular schedule of being up late and waking up late. My intention this week is to get up and do Self magazine's Stairing Contest. Modified, of course.

Essentially, it's 50 steps with the right leg, 50 with the left and then 10 incline pushups on the stairs in between sets. You're supposed to do this on the stairway but mine is older and so they're rather tall. I'll be using my step and then doing incline pushups against the wall. And I'll be starting with one set three times a week. My ankle and hip are bugging me and so I don't want to push it too much. No sense hurting myself further, right?

This weekend I've been suffering slightly from a case of cabin fever. I'm tired of watching TV (well, Netflix and DVDs) and I'm tired of putzing around online. I want to sit on my front porch and listen to audiobooks and knit. I want to walk around the lake and not worry about freezing. I want to go fishing, and not ice fishing!! I want to go camping. What can I say, cold weather does it to me every time. :-)

On the crafty front, I have a baby project going for a friend of mine who is pregnant, a secret square project, and I'm test knitting a fingerless gloves pattern. I'm sure there's more but those are the top three I'm working on. The baby project is crocheted, the other two are both knit.

The second job is going well. It's a front desk clerk and my co-workers are pretty great. It is only part-time as well but every penny helps. It was nice to treat my son to delivery pizza last night, for example. We've lived here for a year and have only been able to get it once in that time. It tasted good and now I'm good for awhile again.

Not a lot else -- these next few months will be filled with work and culling things that I don't want to move 1,000 miles. And, quite frankly, there will be a lot of things that I just won't be wanting to move that far. I hope Salvation Army and Goodwill are prepared for me!!!

New Year, New Me?

How many times do we hear that phrase in the months of December and January? How many times do we say it? And.....how often do we actually follow through?

I learned a long time ago that resolutions are not for me. If I don't keep them, it sends me down a path of self-loathing and I spiral on until I hit, if not rock-bottom, pretty darned close.

I have goals, though. And 2010 I hit quite a few. I never did make it down to the weight-limit for sky-diving. In fact, I've put back on 10 pounds. I'm still down 28 pounds -- about 9%. I'll take it and gladly. Why? Because I'm learning my triggers. I'm learning what sets me off emotionally. I'm learning what I do and don't like to eat.

One of my goals is to become more self-aware and to stand up for myself more. I did not put my life "on hold" for anyone this past year. I didn't "wait around" for Mr. Right-now to get in touch. If he didn't have the time, it was his loss, my gain. That's not to say that I have written these people off completely. If they do contact me, sure, I'll go out for a drink or to a movie. But I'm not waiting for them if I want to go to the movie, either. I have no problems going by myself and enjoying my own company now. Fishing by myself? No problem. L, the friend who I used to go fishing with often, has simply stopped speaking to me. She no longer replies to texts or answers her phone. I don't know why and while I am hurt because I really do like her and enjoy her company, I also realize that perhaps she was a friend for a reason and that reason is gone. I have great memories and nothing can take those away from me.

I am no longer upset that I'm on an anti-depressant. It is helping me cope and keeping me sane. Well, relatively sane. It helps to know that this is a temporary situation -- as things improve in my life then my mind will sort itself out and the need for the anti-depressant will lessen. But if it doesn't? Well, it's not exactly the end of the world either, is it? God made me this way for a reason -- who am I to question that?

I'm learning to let go of things, too. Including my son. As scary as it might sound, he is now 18. As such, it's been really hard not asking who/what/when/where. We're both adjusting to the change -- he wants more freedoms and so is frustrated when I ask when he'll be home. I explain that I'm asking because I need to know if he'll be there for supper or if he needs a ride to or from work. I need to know so that I can plan accordingly. His life affects others, not just him. We also have a living arrangement and he needs to keep his part of that. It's not that I'm taking away freedoms by insisting he keeps his part; it's that he is of an adult age and that means more responsibilities, not automatic freedoms. In all, it is going well. There are some days where the lack of communication is frustrating but as a whole, he's doing well and I feel okay with letting him go.

I spent part of 2010 meeting new friends. Well, new in that I hadn't met them in person before but I had known them for quite awhile via the Internet. What a wonderful thing the Internet can be. I met my HunniBear and Sheepie and their families last summer and both times it was just like sitting down with family. It also showed me how lonely I am here in this town and how many things I know I would enjoy doing that I am missing out on.

I knit my first pair of socks and went on to knit 5 more pair before the end of the year. Not bad considering just a smidge over a year ago I was still trying to figure out how to use two needles at a time, let alone five! I'm really enjoying knitting, though and it is somewhat frustrating not having local friends to share that with.

The last goal I had for 2010 was to try shuttle tatting. And I did so, on New Year's Eve. I'm not sure I will ever be proficient in it, but time will tell. There is a definite trick to it but I know that the things that can be created are well worth the time.

The year 2010 ended better than it began. While I was still only working part-time and still struggling financially, I was in a good home with a wonderful landlord working a job that I enjoy and I was again thinking of my future and what I want and where I want to be.

For me, 2011 will be a year of changes, however. I started a second job this past week and so for a couple of weeks anyway I'll be working 60 hours a week. It will be nice to get a couple of bills caught up and then start putting money aside for what I'm terming "My Big Move.™" I'm ready to spread my wings and fly a bit. Meeting HunniBear and her family and Sheepie and her family started a bee a-buzzing around my head.

HunniBear and I have been commenting a lot on how we must be sisters born of different parents (and since she's from Great Britain -- that is a task!). We think a lot alike, we have the same sense of humor and we both have commented how much fun we would have if we were but closer to each other. When we met in Mitchell on their move from Utah to Ohio, it was comfortable and fun.

Sheepie and her family just showed me how much I am missing out on with having no local friends to speak of. And they showed me also how easy it can be to make new friends. When we met in Mitchell on their Epic Trip™ from Ohio to Utah and back again, it was comfortable and fun. In both cases, it was full of warmth and true caring.

I looked at my friends list in Ravelry and lo -- there are quite a few in Ohio. HunniBear is in the Dayton area and she has "first dibs" on me so I looked at housing in that area. It's not horribly bad. I found a one-bedroom apartment I like that has more square footage than the first floor of the house I'm renting right now (and of which I've always maintained the first floor alone is enough for just me) for only $80 more a month. While that seems like a lot going from a house to an apartment, I'm also keeping in mind that with that there is yard care and snow removal among other things that are not included in my rent here. Not to mention lower heating/cooling costs.

Then I looked at job opportunities for me. Wow. It wouldn't take me long to find a good paying job at all. There is a really good transit system in place and so I could also save quite a bit using a bus pass instead of driving everywhere. There are two good universities should I opt to pursue some higher education.

And most importantly? A built-in network system. With people who know me, love me and really want me there. That in and of itself has been such a boost to my sense of self-worth. I have a HunniBear, a Sheepie and a Magpie all providing such wonderful support and shoulders to lean on. Mr. Sheepie even told me to make sure I bring my fishing stuffs! Mr. HunniBear and I got along great and he told me that I would always be welcome. I haven't met Mr. Magpie yet but Magpie assures me he is safe. hehe So it isn't just that I have friends...but that I have full-blown families waiting for me with arms wide open.

There are cons, of course. I would be even farther away from my father and my brother and his family as well as the extended family. It would be really hard to know that I'm no longer just 5 hours away by car. But it's my turn to see a bit of the world. I "settled down" at 18 when my son was born. I did everything I was "supposed to" and while I've been -- content? -- I haven't been truly happy. My brother lived in two states and owned a home in one before he married the woman of his dreams (and I maintain to this day I could not ask for a better sister-in-law!!). It's my turn to have my time. To find out what I really enjoy doing. To see parts of the world.

And to leave my son to fend for himself. That is the hardest part of all. He has a respectable support network here, however. And he really does like it here. He is a little uncertain of how he'll do on his own but he knows he has the knowledge and it's time to put it into practice. I'll do everything I can to make sure he's not been set up for failure, of course. But he has the basic knowledge. He can grocery shop, he can cook, he can clean, he can do laundry. He knows how to prioritize his money and is practicing that now. I wish I could set him up like my parents did for me. I wish I could leave him a car. I wish I could have money to help him out on occasion. But if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, right?

I have my Dad's support. He isn't 100% happy about it, which I understand, but he understands my feelings and he is at least at terms with it. My brother and I haven't talked about it much because we just simply don't talk a lot. My SIL and I have, though, and about the only thing she said was something along the lines of it wouldn't make a lot of difference because they hardly see us anyway. Which is true enough -- although I did refrain from saying that the Interstate is a two-way highway and they have better financial capabilities for traveling than I do. :-) I love her and I know she meant no ill-will. It is true -- we don't get to see each other hardly at all. But with better job opportunities, that has a better chance of changing.

So 2010 was the year the good started coming back again. What will 2011 bring?

NaNoWriMo!!

Yes...I've been absent. So sorry. And this month is NaNo. And I just read an article by a woman LAMBASTING NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writer's Month). She is someone who clearly doesn't understand it so in her opinion it's wrong, it's stupid, it's a waste of time. The article is here and she really does strike me as a hateful person. Well, spiteful.

And so I would like you to read this wonderful comment. I couldn't have said it better myself.

I have tried NaNo for 4 years previously and have yet to hit 50,000 words. But every year I get better and every year I get closer. More importantly, every year I have a good time seeing how far I can push myself and cheering on my friends that are participating with me.

This Laura Miller person? Can kiss my patootie.

Tuesday's Talking

Oh happy day!

I just returned from the doctor’s office and I couldn’t be happier. On a scale of, I believe 0-18; my depression level went from a 12 to a 2 in 3 weeks. She was impressed. Also, my blood pressure, which normally runs 133-136/85-90, was 118/60! Yay! She does think that this is a situational depression given all the changes that have happened over the past year and feels that in a few months, once everything else has sorted out, we can look at tapering the dose and eventually weaning off the citalopram (generic Celexa.) I go back in 2 weeks for another recheck.

I have an interview for a 911-dispatch position at the local police department on the 19th. This would be part-time, in addition to my ALA job. Keep your fingers crossed for me! Being able to pay all the bills would be a huge weight off my shoulders, for sure and for certain! I think it would be a fun job along with a challenging one. It’s also within walking distance of the house, another bonus.

The weather here has been beautiful the last few days. I’m enjoying sitting on the front porch with the breeze wafting through the window. One of my bedroom windows opens to the porch and has no screen so I’ve started leaving it open so the cats can go in and out and enjoy it as well. We do have plenty of wind today, though! My brother must be talking up a storm, haha.

On the crafty front, lots going on. I finished up 4 reverse mitered squares (knit) and got those mailed off. I have 3 bobble squares (crocheted) done for another group project and 3 daisy squares (crocheted) also done for yet another group project. And now I’m done with group projects and don’t know what to do! lol (And those that know me can attest to the fact that I never have nothing to do..always a half-dozen projects going!) I’m actually almost done with my Ithacowl (knit) with all it’s little unique traits (read: mistakes!) and my socks are really coming along well. They also will have little unique traits, hehe. I am amazed at how quickly they’re working up and, really, how easy they are so far. Of course, I’m only at the cuff at the moment. I’ve not yet gotten to the heel, gusset and toe! If you hear screams of frustration you’ll know where I’m at! I’ve brought out my Cabled Heather Wrap (crocheted) to work on again as well. For a bit here I’m going to focus on projects for “me.” Which may or may not include knitting a Grumpysaurus for each of my nephews just because. (So Jodi, if you’re reading this, any thoughts on colors for a stuffed Grumpysaur?)

My weight loss is progressing slowly, steadily and surely and I am good with that. The doctor and nurse both commented on it today. The nurse asked what I was doing and so I told her it’s all about eating less and moving more. It really is, too. I have the same things for breakfast, morning snack and lunch during the week. Afternoon snack and supper depend on what I’m doing and how I’m feeling. Some nights it’s just a big batch of popcorn. Sometimes it’s a full-course meal. Walking to work and the post office 4 days a week helps a lot. That’s 25 minutes a day. And a lot of days I take the dog to the lake and we walk around it twice which adds up to 2 miles, roughly. Just little changes I’ve made over the last few months that have really added up (49 pounds’ worth as of yesterday!). It’s funny how some people just don’t understand that that is all I am doing. They can’t believe it’s that “easy.” They’re, of course, hoping for a magic button to push and so far I haven’t found that. Nor do I want to. I have more energy than I have had in a long time. That whole law of motion thing – a body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion. It’s all about movement!!

Short blog today but just had to put in that I sorted through 2 boxes of clothes marked 20# and 20-30# (for pounds lost) and only 1/2 of one box goes back! I literally "gave" myself a new wardrobe today! Of course, I have to sort through my closet again as I've not quite got enough room for all these clothes...lol But I am really proud of myself. I'm starting to take pride in how I look again which is just great for me. Such a huge step forward.

I did have another "attack" of sorts this past weekend. I went to Mitchell with a friend, "Elle," and we bought stuff for her kitchen and her jonboat and then went to Culvers. Where I had their walleye. Deep fat fried. After having pizza the night before. Did I mention deep fat fried? Like grease sitting in the plate deep fat fried? And so I should have figured I'd end up in the ER again. I didn't eat all of it, but enough to set me off. Hopefully when I go see my doctor next week she sees the need (finally!) to get my gall bladder ultrasounded and possibly a HIDA scan as this time my lipase (I think) levels were up which means my pancreas was becoming involved. Kind of scary but an easy fix is to just take the gall bladder out.

I'm still walking to the post office and work and back again 4 times a week. That's a good 30 minutes each day. I've also taken to driving to the lake (can't walk by the river anymore until the flooding is down) and taking walks on a "U" path as you can't walk around it due to the flooding. So it ends up being almost 2 miles walked instead of just 1. And this is a problem how? ;-) The dog enjoys the walks although she's still having issues with other dogs. We had been approached by aggressive ones so many times walking through town I just don't think this will pass. Maybe I need to call Cesar Millan! lol

I'm still searching for that elusive 2nd job. I no longer have internet at home but can use wifi at the library and can access email at work. Hopefully something comes up soon. I did break down and turn the heat back on today as I was really cold sitting in the house. Can't wait until it gets nicer out again!!

Otherwise things are well. I started my first pair of knit socks on the 1st and that's all I've done with them. I may tinker with them a bit again today. They're on double-pointed needles and that will take some getting used to. I also have 2 more daisy squares to make and 3 bobble squares, both for group projects. No shortage of things to do in my spare time!

Thanks for reading!

Saturday's Thoughts

Well, before I do too much thinking, hehe, here are pictures of the river from Wednesday. It is a really nice walk, ends up being about 2.5 miles (per my pedometer) to go down there and back and the dog really seems to enjoy it. These pictures were taken from the same spot as the ones I posted Wednesday. I'll possibly/probably go back this afternoon since the walk will do me good physically and emotionally/mentally.





So last night I was home alone and chatting with a friend and just in general letting Little Miss Drama Queen run rampant in my head. This is never a good thing, of course. My cell phone has been really quiet the last few days with a couple of exceptions. And it just kind of got me feeling lonely. Thankfully, Thursday a little BlueMouse listened to me talk for an hour and was really a wonderful ear. She reminded me of many things and just pulled me out of my minifunk. And she's been fun to text back and forth with. I watch my son's phone and it just never seems to stop with the texting from friends and then mine is so quiet most of the time and I just start feeling bad. I can't believe I let an inanimate object make me feel that way. It seems really odd. And it's part of that "instant gratification" thing that seems to be running rampant in the world anymore. I never used to need it and now it seems like I do. I used to work on large craft projects for the craft, not for the feeling of having accomplished something RIGHT NOW. It's almost as if I'm scared life is passing me by and I need to get all this stuff done NOW and I need to hear from my friends NOW because I don't want to miss a moment of them. And with the way-too-early death of my mother and with being the person who receives all the death notices of ALA members across the state, well, it's easy to see how I can start to feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things. Except that I miss out on more when I start to feel sorry for myself.

This friend that listened to me last night is wonderful. We'll call him Breandan. He listens, he gives excellent advice and he's very blunt and to the point when needed. He reminds me of what I already know and helps to reinforce it a bit. I think the main thing he does for me is just lets me be me and say what I need to say and then just gives me the best virtual hugs. I really wish I was closer to him because I like to think we would hang out a lot and just have fun together. His friends sound like they would be fun to meet as well and I kind of feel like I would rather fit in well down there. And what I always come away with when we talk is a sense of self-acceptance. It might take a bit of time for me to really feel it, but he's very good at helping me in that area.

This morning I had to run to the post office to drop some things off in the mail and I decided to just drive around a bit. It's what I do when I'm fretful. Someone once said I was looking for J doing that and that got me thinking this morning. Now, where I drive is pretty rural. The chances of seeing anyone at all, let alone someone you know, are pretty slim. So, while I DO think I'm looking for someone, it's not this new gentleman friend, not J, not a knight in shining armor. I'm searching for myself still. And I hope that I never stop that search. I really do. It's a hard search with a lot of hard work going into it but I think the rewards will be well worth it. I said last night I wish I was half as strong as my friends think I am. And thus reminded myself of my favorite quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh in "Pooh's Grand Adventure:' “Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

WIP Wednesday and Happy St. Patrick's Day

Works in progress Wednesday - :-) We'll see if I can manage to do this weekly.

#1 WIP is me, of course. Mentally I'm doing really well. Positive thoughts are taking over negative ones which is always good. This week is a tough one physically, though. I just can't seem to be anything less than tired. For pete's sake yesterday I was watching "The Tommyknockers" and chatting with a friend online and just about fell asleep in my chair. But come time for bed, it's like all my senses are out of whack. It's not even like my brain is going into overdrive overthinking things, either. I'm just...awake. No real thoughts or issues. Just not sleeping. I've started just sitting and kind of rocking myself for a bit to see if that helps and it does seem to. So maybe I need to spend some quite time in my rocking chair before I go to bed.

#2 WIP is another Lil Sunhat. I started this Sunday afternoon and I'm modifying the pattern a bit on the brim to accomodate not using thread for the trim. It will be done by the end of the week.


#3 WIP is still the afghan. I didn't quite get it done. Should get it done this weekend, though. No recent pictures.

#4 WIP is the reverse mitered squares. As you can see, by the 3rd one I was getting much better. The first 2 (in yellow/pink) are definitely starter squares! lol I will finish the 4th one on the needles and do 2 more in the yarn sitting up top and get those sent off. These are being done with a group of friends out of sock yarn and one of us (or two of us) will be stitching these squares together to make a baby blanket. I can't wait to see the final product!!



#5 WIP are daisy afghan squares. These are also part of a group project for a friend moving and getting married. This is one of three that I will do.


And, for anyone curious - I went back to the river Monday afternoon and this is what I found:



I'll probably walk down there again today. It's a decent walk and the dog enjoys it, too.

'Tis the weekend

This is the river at normal stages.


This is now. And we're not even done melting and through the rainy season yet.



On the upside, Kidlet and I took the dog on what amounted to a 2.5-mile walk. We went the post office where he held her while I got the mail and then down to the river. I knew it would be up a bit but I really wasn't expecting it to be up this much already. The goofy dog wanted to check it out and I think she thought she could walk in a couple steps and get her feet wet and call it good. Except that where we were is the top of an embankment when the river is at normal levels so that wasn't happening. Silly girl. (She was on her leash and harness so please don't chew me out - she was completely safe.) It's funny that I am colder now than I was while we were walking. I think it's about 38F out and I just had a hoody on. Now I'm in the house and I want to put the hoody back on!! Ah well. It was a nice walk and I'll probably take her again tomorrow, skipping the post office.

On a projects note - I'm allllmost done with this afghan. I will probably finish it tonight while watching Beowulf. I've got 1 more reverse mitered square done and so will be down to 2 of those left in another color. I have a sunhat to make for a relative of my SIL's. They've paid me to do it. I have to modify the pattern just a smidge as I won't be doing the thread edging. Until I get some ergo hooks thread and I just won't be working together for a bit. The afghan and the sunhat I'm going to try to meet my commitment of being done by the end of the month. Because...April 1 I have committed to casting on my first pair of hand-knit socks. With this yarn:



I'm a bit nervous as I've never worked with double-pointed needles and they look very intimidating! LOL But rumor has it I'll pick it up quickly. We'll see.

I'm better today than I was. I think there's another minor mental shift going on in regards to new friends and life and so on. It's all good and it's all a learning process. I just sometimes feel frustrated that I don't already know this stuff! :-)

Thanks for reading!!

Another week - another emotional upset

I wish I could figure my head out. I really do. It's like I try to self-sabotage myself.

Quick revamp of the last year - decided Jan. 2009 I was going to file for divorce once I had a slush fund saved up. Lost job. February - decided while on trip to Hills to see family would file anyway and let finances take care of themselves. March - Spousal unit became deathly ill before I could talk to him about this. April - Get motivated to do my medical transcription work from home & earn enough to pay bills, even though it takes almost 10 weeks to get paid from this contract. Consider giving spousal unit another chance. Until finding pot & paycheck stubs in coat when emptying pockets before washing it and realize he'd been lying about his wages. For months. May - talk to him and we agree for a pro se divorce but won't file until he's medically cleared to go back to work and I have found a new place to live. He paid for the house, he deserves it. June - meet a new friend and learn to open up and talk. July - file for divorce, MIL and SIL get involved, turn things nasty and spousal unit up and moves out. MT work dries up.
August - Lean heavily on new friend, meet more friends of theirs, learn that spousal unit has actually been lying for the entire 3 years we lived here. Begin rebuilding inner self. Start job at Wal-Mart. September - realize, in court, filled out paperwork wrong and have to wait 1 more month for divorce to be final. October - divorce is final, quit Wal-Mart start working at the ALA Dept. Headquarters.

In that time, I've had two inner voices - Little Miss Drama Queen (LMDQ) who likes to blow things out of proportion, try to insist I'm not worth new friends, meeting new men will never work for me, I'll never dig myself out of this hole I'm in and just in general turns me into a sobbing mess while rebuilding walls around myself so I don't let people in again. Cocky Ass Bitch thinks she's the "be all and end all" and everyone should be glad to have the chance to meet her. I'm coming to terms with these inner voices. They each have their own time and place.

There is a new voice though, that says "This one is worth waiting for. Be patient." I don't know who it is. I think I know who they're referring to and the situation. But it is a calm voice. A Zen voice. And with the exception of the last few days? It's been kicking LMDQ's ass and then some. Clearly, this is a voice I need to listen to and let speak more.

I am finding I still have a lot of emotional maturing to do. This past week, LMDQ has been in full swing. Why? Because my friends aren't available when I want them to be (not to be confused with when they HAVE been available this week and have let me cry on their shoulders!) and because I've become ensconced in this "instant gratification" crap and so when I don't hear back from certain people I just start freaking out and think that there is something wrong with me. Never mind the fact that just the night before we may have had wonderful conversations and have been told that I can contact them anytime. Or that they respond to my forum posts almost immediately in one of my groups. Or when they're on Yahoo they let me cry and give me love and advice. Or via text message. Or on the phone.

Apparently I am still needing to learn to become emotionally independent to an extent. I also need to work on letting my friends BE my friends and not feel bad. As one says, I let her stay for a week or better on my couch to help her out. Why is it so hard for me to accept that I need help from them? And to take that help gratefully and without guilt? I think it's partly because I've been trying for years to prove to everyone that I am a capable adult and I can do things on my own. I'm tired of asking for help. I know that I need to prove to myself I can do things on my own, but part of being on your own includes having friends to talk to and letting them BE your friend.

So when I text them for hours one night, I don't need to feel bad the next day. Clearly, this is a good friend who is willing to listen and cheer you up. They may not have time to see you right now, but that does not make them any less a friend and it does not mean they don't care.

When I see their status as "Go.Away" on Yahoo and they still talk to me? Take it. Enjoy it. Be grateful.

When they fake-study to listen to me (although I'm sure she will also use this for research purposes...love you!), be grateful.

When they call you and listen and don't complain that they never get to talk....be grateful.

When they read your long blog post (and comment if that is the case)....be grateful.

I am surrounded by friends. I may not be able to touch them and hug them like I would like. But they are here, nonetheless. And for that, I am grateful.

Personality Profile

Here are my test results...

Your score on Extraversion is low, indicating you are introverted, reserved, and quiet. You enjoy solitude and solitary activities. Your socializing tends to be restricted to a few close friends.

Your high level of Agreeableness indicates a strong interest in others' needs and well-being. You are pleasant, sympathetic, and cooperative.

Your score on Conscientiousness is low, indicating you like to live for the moment and do what feels good now. Your work tends to be careless and disorganized.

Your score on Emotional Stability is low indicating that you are easily upset, even by what most people consider the normal demands of living. People consider you to be sensitive and emotional.

Your score on Openness to Experience is average, indicating you enjoy tradition but are willing to try new things. Your thinking is neither simple nor complex. To others you appear to be a well-educated person but not an intellectual.

A Day of Reflections

So it's been a weekend. Friday night was not pretty for me emotionally. Last night my son decided to be a teenager and push my buttons. (Hard to believe, I know. haha) What he did wasn't such a bad thing, just another petty annoyance and it caught me at a bad time. So this morning we talked and we're setting ground rules that will give him a little more freedom. He has a lot of friends and he should be able to see them. He doesn't need to be cooped up in the house just because I suck at meeting new people and making new friends. :-) BUT there are also now consequences in place and in writing so it will be easier for the scatter-brained side of me to follow through.

This morning I'm looking at these things and reflecting on how I would have reacted a year ago. It would not have been pretty. We'll leave it at that. I think I'm really coming along in managing my stress levels and my reactions. I'm letting go of what I can't control and not fretting over things as much. When that "fret nag" starts to try to talk her way into my head again I speak over her, reminding myself of the positive things. "You've not heard from this friend, they don't want to talk to you." No....I've not heard from them because they have a life and it does not revolve around me. BUT they like me, they like fishing with me, they like talking to me, they think I'm their emotional rock when they need someone to talk to and so on. A year ago that fretful nag would have completely overwhelmed me and I would have fallen into a funk and just been miserable. Today I'm able to look back on things and go okay, this is what could have been handled a bit better, this is what you handled well. No negative self-talk.

On the health side of things, this is also adding up. I've had less headaches, less muscle aches. I'm not tracking what I eat like I probably should be but I am still being more conscious of what I eat. I'm paying more attention to what my body is telling me and so I'm not over eating either. A pair of my grubby jeans can now be taken off without having to unbutton/unzip them which was a pleasant surprise this morning. I'm waking up feeling rested, even though I have been waking up once or twice during the night for a couple nights. No reason and I usually fall back asleep right away. One night I didn't so I chatted with a friend online for an hour or so and then I went back to sleep. It's odd, but it doesn't seem to have a negative effect at the moment so we'll run with it and see what happens.

Outside the snow is melting so I will soon see what the yard here looks like. I can see part of my driveway which is a bonus. I was beginning to wonder if there actually WAS one or if I was just jumping the curb over the snow all the time! lol Tomorrow I will wear my rain boots for the first time. The sidewalks are mostly clear but there is sooo much snowmelt that there are spots that are under 2-3 inches of water. Makes for cold feet! I'm looking forward to fishing and hopefully I'll be doing a lot more camping this year. One of the frustrations I had in my marriage was not being able to do things. We enjoyed doing the same things but with his job and my job the scheduling to do them just never happened. If my son & I went on our own, we were made to feel as if we were deliberately leaving him out. He would complain about it for weeks. So we just never went. I understand that relationships are about compromise and give and take. And I tried to get him involved with us. But for him, work always came first (which is not necessarily a bad thing...work is definitely a priority) and he wouldn't ask for time off and never said a word (to my knowledge) about working every weekend and so I really felt trapped. The melting snow is, in a way, melting away those guilt-laden thoughts. I tried. And I do feel it was unfair of him to ask me to give up the things I love to do because he couldn't be bothered to even try to get time off or ask for rotating weekends or something.

This year is all about discovering me again and doing things that make me happy. If I am fortunate enough to get involved with someone again, I hope they will understand that I just can't put my life on hold but I am happy to live it with them. It may take some give and take and that's fine. But hopefully they understand that I will go do things and I will enjoy myself and I won't be made to feel bad about it. Roles reversed, I would be glad they're able to enjoy their time. We'll have our time together.

**warning - very long post today!** Almost TGIF yesterday...

So much for TGIF…although it did end up well in some ways.

My Friday started off well. I had some concerns about a new friend as I hadn't heard from them in a couple of days and I wasn't sure if it was something I had done or if they just were no longer interested or what. That's how my mind typically works. I am getting a lot better in that area, though and so instead of saying things to myself like he's not interested I wasn't good enough and so on…I reminded myself he has 2 kids plus he works graveyards and I'm almost thinking he's got to be gearing up for his ag spraying business too. And he will get in touch. He has given me no indications otherwise. So I'm showing improvement there. I don't know when this "got to have an answer NAO" frame of mind showed up and quite frankly, I wish it hadn't. With the help of friends, I'm getting it kicked back into place and only letting it out when it is really necessary to know things immediately.

So I woke up at 230 Friday morning wide.freaking.awake. Thankfully, one of my dear friends was online and sent me funny things and sent some advice and hugs my way and around 4 I went back to sleep. I woke up and got ready for a job interview at 10. I think that went rather well. They will be narrowing it down to 2-3 applicants to call back for 2nd interviews plus a phone interview with the regional manager and hope to have the position filled by the end of the month. The hours will mesh nicely with my current job, too. We'll see what happens.

Then I ran the post office where I had a lovely package from another friend. Some really cute tops in there! I went home and let the dog out for a bit while I had lunch and then walked to a friend's house.

And here is where the day went hinky. This friend, L, is one I might through J last summer. J, for those who don't know, is the good-friend-gone-bad that helped me through a very difficult time in my life. As Melli put it, I was trying to do about 17 years of emotional maturity/social maturity in about 4 months' time. Talk about your growing pains! I knew going into this thing with J I was going to get hurt but I am still so very glad I did. He helped to reinforce things that I had kept buried for a long time. He taught me a lot about myself. And then he backslid on things in his life and is no longer someone I want around other than the occasional hello at L's house. I didn't want him knowing I had moved into town. I ESPECIALLY didn't want him knowing exactly where I lived. I haven't seen or heard from him since December and that is fine. I actually still have his tent and his artwork that he asked if he could leave with me in November. They don't take up too much space and I really tend to forget about them.

And he and a friend of his show up at L's house yesterday. It was nice in that I felt nothing. Don't get me wrong; it was good to see him again. Because of what he did for me last summer and fall, he will always hold a place in my heart. He helped my build my personal mantra:

• I am strong.
• I am determined.
• I am sexy.
• I am passionate.
• I am brave.
• I am greater than.

Three of those are from him, 2 are from 2 other friends and 1 is all mine. :-) But he helped me get to the point in my life where I can see that in myself again.

So he asked me, "Did you get moved into town?" I figured that since L hadn't told him anything (she had just reiterated this before they showed up) he was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together: I was at L's house, the van was not, hence I was now within walking distance. He asked if I liked the new place. I said yeah, sure. He asked about his tent, if he had left it at my house. I said yup. He asked if I was still on FB. (I deleted him in January. Or unfriended him. And I'm not searchable.) I said not as much anymore. He said I wasn't on his friends list anymore. I said I had probably done some weeding out (didn't figure he needed to know it was just 1 weed that got pulled). I mentioned I could put him back on if he wanted and he said he would like that. Then he said he was moving to Lincoln, NE. I said cool. He left. Other people came and went. I got up to go to the bathroom around 330 and sat down in the other chair in L's room. I usually sit on the floor in the back away from the various types of smoke and so her grandsons (2 & 4 year olds) can sit on my lap. I mentioned to her, was it me or were Jim & Troy over there earlier just hoping for a freebie? (She is the, er, tobacco dealer, for a lot of people.) And she said oh yes and she's done with that and so on and so on. I jokingly said I shouldn't have admitted to having the tent because it should be my property now after 4 months, right? And she said "And he knows you moved in to town. I even told him where you lived."

And at first I didn't think on it too much as someone else showed up and I moved to the back of her room. And an hour later, in the middle of 2012, a movie I LOVED...I got pissed. And said I had to go home. And I left. THEN, in trying to call another friend to see if I could get a ride, I accidentally called my new gentleman friend. He didn't answer which is fine because I didn't mean to call him (although I am now, the next day, wondering what my subconscious has to say about that). But I realized what I did and sent a text apologizing and saying I don't want to be obtrusive and that I also planned on cutting back on texting him for that same reason.

I got home and asked my sone if he wanted to go to the grocery store and he said no. So I got in the van, called Brittni back as she had called while I was at L's, and just lost it. Instead of going to the store, I drove my "upset/angry route." Bawling to Brittni. And it's not because he's leaving, so much as it is because there is no way the J I met last summer when I needed him the most is ever coming back. That personality is gone and will never return and I can't help him like he helped me. And because L lied to me. AND told him I had moved and where to. And I told Brittni that L was the last friend I have here in this area that I talked to regularly. She said "So you're feeling like a fish out of water again." Which is pretty much exactly it. So I got off the phone with Brittni, cried at the lake a bit, then drove the rest of my angry route. Which happens to go past a car dealer and a cafe. Where I always look at this Dodge Truck I want.

And my new gentleman friend's truck was parked there. Sooo...not 20 minutes after I told him I wasn't going to text him as much I send a text saying: "Buy a girl a drink? She could use the company of someone who hasn't lied to her." And I hit send and I went "What did I just do? Talk about bringing on the drama llama." So I went to the grocery store, got the few things I needed and then went to the video store. Now I'm mad because L lied & broke confidence. AND I'm mad at myself for sending that message to the new gentleman friend and I figured since I had let Little Miss Drama Queen back out for that few bit, it was going to be too much (because it always was with J before, go figure) and I wouldn't hear from him. But he sent me a text back asking who lied to me. I told him the last friend (before I met him) I had, that it was a long story. He said that's ok and after chatting via text for awhile I am starting to let myself believe that I really have nothing to worry about. He is a friend, he is becoming a good friend and I am not nearly as drama llama as previous people would have had me think.

I'm still upset with L. But I still like her and I love those kids. I will still hang out with her and go fishing but the confidences will diminish greatly. That part is sad. But I'll consider it a lesson learned and just because she's not quite as trustworthy as I had thought doesn't mean she's still not a good person to have around and do things with. Her house is a good place for me to go to relax and I do enjoy fishing with her and I do enjoy hanging out with her. So while I am upset about the betrayal of confidence, I'm not going to write her off, either.

I'm done crying now. I'm better. I was upset that I had this poor judge of character going on, but you know...whatever. I have more good friends than a lot of people do and so I am lucky. I am not that bad of a judge of character given the quality of friends I do have.

Oh. And I have a new rule. No more sending text messages when I'm upset without waiting at least 15 minutes. :-) Little Miss Drama Queen tried to regain her throne and it didn't work. I'm learning new coping measures and eventually she will have to give up her crown. Cocky Ass Bitch is still around and comes out when needed. But for now, in some ways I'm feeling like a kid again and learning about the world around me all over again. And I'll take it. With a smile.

Beginning of March

I'm pretty sure there was a February in there somewhere....wasn't there?? Ah well.

I have a feeling I'm going to be very close to goal in May but I'm not going to quite hit it and so skydiving might have to be postponed. We'll see. I'll be amping up my walking this week a bit and adding some strength training again. Add in more snow removal (rather, ice removal!!) off the sidewalks and eating healthier and go from there.

I'm working a bit longer this week as my boss is out of the office. With any luck, the phones will be nice and quiet. hehe Most everyone knows she'll be out of the office and I'm still too new to know as much as they would like so I'm sure they'll call to test my patience and message-taking skills. ha! I'm also picking up more time doing my medical transcription work and looking for another part-time job. Busy busy, that's me. :-) Or that's what I need to do. But not so much so that I can't go fishing and camping this spring summer and fall. :-)

Otherwise nothing new on this front. I managed to get a sinus infection that settled in my lymph nodes instead of my sinuses and so the right side of my face is swollen and looks funny. lol So I'm on eyedrops and antibiotics and can't wear my contacts until it clears up. Bah!!

When will spring get here??